How to negotiate with your kids?

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/26/negotiating.with.kids/index.html?hpt=hp_bn8


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Share this on:Mixx Facebook Twitter Digg delicious reddit MySpace StumbleUpon LinkedIn How to negotiate with your kidsBy Katia Hetter, Special to CNNJuly 26, 2011 8:36 a.m. EDT
Negotiating with children may drive parents crazy, but it's a valuable skill for kids to learn.STORY HIGHLIGHTS
Katia Hetter offers tips for teaching your child the art of negotiation
Children tend to show signs of negotiation skills as early as 3 years old
Helping teens negotiate teaches them empathy and self-awareness
RELATED TOPICS
Parenting
Family
(CNN) -- "I can't watch TV without my pajamas!"

I should be reading the last of three bedtime stories to my 3-year-old before I sing the three songs that usually send her to sleepyland. No more than three. That's the deal. But I have to make a last-minute work call at 8:30 p.m. I start playing an episode of "Yo Gabba Gabba," her favorite commercial-free program. It usually guarantees me 20 minutes of work time, but it's not working.

What's with the demand for pajamas? My child never wants to put on her pajamas because that means bedtime.

"We'll put on PJs after the shows," I say.

You'd never guess I got an A in my negotiation class at Harvard Kennedy School. I successfully negotiated the finer points of international treaties with classmates from the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. military and the bureaucrats from various foreign governments on my way to a master's degree in public policy.

"Two shows!" counters my child.

I can't afford to have her howling during my phone call. The kid wins this round.

As desperate as I felt that night, I brag to my friends about her ability to size up the power dynamic in two seconds and negotiate at a pretty advanced level. (Never mind that we went to bed as soon as the call was done. I read her a lot more books and sang a lot more songs that night. I owed her.)

Parenting.com: 9 things you shouldn't say to your child

I know my situation isn't special. Little children can debate every bite of dinner, trip to the potty, the length of any play date, how much soap to use in the tub, how many books to read and songs to sing at bedtime and if bedtime is even a good idea. It's the nitpicking around those everyday tasks that can drive parents crazy and make us less likely to want to negotiate anything.

As children get older, what they want causes parents even more anxiety: more television time to absorb popular culture's cavalier attitudes about sex and violence, more computer time to talk with who-knows-who, more freedom to go places without parents, and eventually freedom to date and drive and all the activities that will drive me to distraction.

Despite my late-night failure, I know I must teach my kid to negotiate. I know if I don't teach my child to think for herself, she won't be able to make big decisions as she gets older.

From my time working with teenagers in a nonprofit youth program, I saw the consequences of kids who hadn't been given the chance to debate different decisions and pick the best one or learn from their mistakes. If they don't know how to decide what they want and figure out how to get it, they'll follow whichever music celebrity or local teenager is cool in their eyes -- and that could mean getting drunk or using drugs, having unsafe sex or worse.

"Negotiating is important for all kids in an age appropriate way and if you offer your children choices, they're going to inevitably make some mistakes they'll later regret," says Alina Tugend, author of "Better By Mistake: the Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong." "It's often very hard for parents to give up the control not just of making the decision for their child, but also to let them make a decision that they think is wrong. But it's the only way children will learn."

Smartphone danger: Distracted parenting

Here are some tips to start teaching your kids the fine art of negotiation.

Don't fear making mistakes. Just get started. Any good negotiator knows that you can simply say, "I'm sorry I was wrong. You can't have three gallons of ice cream before dinner." You can also change your mind if your child doesn't honor their side of the negotiation. Your kids will be glad you respected them enough to listen to their opinions, even if you end up saying "No." (And any good negotiation can end with a "No.")

It's not optional. Children with authoritarian parents who don't allow children to negotiate anything grow up overly compliant or overly disruptive, and children with overly permissive parents don't learn negotiation because they get what they want anyway, says Julie Braungart-Rieker, a psychology professor and director of the University of Notre Dame's Center for Children & Families.

"Either situation can create an anxiety provoking environment because kids like rules and consistency," she says. "It's more calming and secure when there are rules that make sense and children know where those boundaries are."

Offer choices early. Children tend to show signs of negotiation skills as early as 3 years old. Yet parents can teach children as young as 1 to make choices with close-ended options such as "Do you want the blue or red T-shirt for school?" and "Do you want the apple or orange for snack?"

"Kids develop a sense of pride in being able to have that kind of control," says Braungart-Rieker. "Especially as they start interacting with peers in preschool, there's a lot of negotiation over snacks and toys. Kids who are better at those skills tend to flourish in this setting."

Offer a way out. When we first started attending religious services in our new town, I insisted that my kid dress up a little. We were going to look a little nicer than her usual tie dye/jean shorts combination and my tank top/yoga pants look. She didn't want to dress up but agreed to do so when I offered to let her wear whatever she wanted when we got home. As soon as we arrived back at the house, she walked to her room and put on a very dull brown shirt/shorts combo. I was impressed she had remembered. And when I later figured out the casual atmosphere at services, I let her return to her tie dye combo.

Ask for help. My daughter didn't care to wear her glasses when she first started needing them at age 2. Flossing wasn't fun either when the dentist introduced the task last month. I asked her doctor and dentist to speak to her directly about what she needed to do. I asked our sitter to tell her how great she looked in her glasses (and it was true -- she looked fabulous) and what a grownup job flossing can be. (That one is a stretch but I think it's working.)

Know your limits. No way you're going to negotiate over car seats or seat belts or ice cream for dinner. However, some kids eventually become old enough to negotiate tasks that must be done but can be done with some flexibility, like when they can do their homework.

"A lot of that depends on the child," says Jason Gold, a psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice who also works with families and children at the Pacella Parent Child Center in Manhattan. "Does your child come home with lots of energy and can jump into work? Or is he worn out from school needing some down time and can get to homework later?"

Explain the rules. Explanations about the rules can be teachable moments, even if the rules are non-negotiable. Even small children can understand that the car can't move unless everyone is buckled in. Older children can understand the more serious consequences of not wearing a seat belt.

"However, the parents need to be in some degree of control while allowing a child to explore and have fun with their new verbal and cognitive skills," Gold says. "If you don't buy me this toy then I scream, then it's more emotional blackmail than negotiation."

Bedtime story: Go the bleep to sleep

Give older kids more flexibility. Author Tugend's 12-year-old son recently wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie at midnight. She gave him permission if he figured out a way to get home at 2 a.m. He proposed walking from the neighborhood theater, which she thought was a bad idea.

"I told him if he could find a way -- a friend's parent or an older sibling -- he could go," she says. "That way I wasn't just saying no or yes, but setting certain parameters and telling him he needed to figure out how to, as a friend of mine says, let me say yes."

It's especially important for teens. Teens can be pretty self-absorbed as they figure out who they are and what they want in life. Helping them negotiate teaches them empathy and self-awareness, seeing the situation from the other person's perspective and acknowledging their own contributions to the disagreement.

"Empathy, working effectively with others and self-knowledge are critical skills for success in the workplace and all other social settings -- like schools and families," says Keith Hefner, my former boss at Youth Communication in New York. "When teens don't have these skills it leads to black and white thinking: I'm right, you're wrong; digging in one's heels instead of addressing the problem."

As teens learn to negotiate, they learn the reasons for a rule like a curfew: Parents are anxious about their children's safety, about other people driving drunk or any number of issues.

"When teens learn that there are things they can do to reduce their parents' anxiety, such as calling in, they learn they can negotiate a later curfew," says Hefner. "When teens participate in a negotiation over curfew, it can help parents to see that their child is older and more capable than they imagined."

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Bobby62 I think the word "negotiating" is a poor chioce of vocabulary, she used. Giving a little room to our kids, specially the older ones can be a healthy thing. But let's don't mistake that with not following the rules. She is negotianing with a 3 year old over bed-time ... Give me a break.
35 minutes ago | Like | Report abuse
dinkster Negotiate with them? No. Explain to them your reasoning? Yes. This article is perfect advise to create a slew of neo-generation Lindsay Lohans.
2 hours ago | Like (2) | Report abuse
ElfOdin Negotiate with your kids! No way! Fire the tear gas through the front window and storm the house!
2 hours ago | Like (1) | Report abuse
tokyomom Permissive parenting and self aggrandizement at its worst. More TV instead of bedtime? The answer should be a firm "No" every time and the 3 year old will learn that rules are rules. Obviously children should be given leeway as they get older, but letting a 12 year old see a movie at midnight to tea... more
Permissive parenting and self aggrandizement at its worst. More TV instead of bedtime? The answer should be a firm "No" every time and the 3 year old will learn that rules are rules. Obviously children should be given leeway as they get older, but letting a 12 year old see a movie at midnight to teach him a way to find options? Please. Parents, be firm especially when it comes to safety and health. I have a hard enough time with my kids as it is without a growing community of "entitled" playmates who brag about getting around their parents' rules. Especially if that parent had an "A" in negotiation at Harvard. less
2 hours ago | Like (7) | Report abuse
Bobby62 @tokyomom ; As a father, I am with you on this one. Sometimes parents forget our main job is to prepare the kids to go on their own and become productive members of the commiunity.
42 minutes ago | Like | Report abuse
Icandobetter OMG! Parents making deals with kids?

Boy I thought we were weak, but didn't know it was this bad.
3 hours ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
lazurite Parents are in charge and nothing is up for negotiation. What Mom or Dad says is the final answer. Period.
4 hours ago | Like (11) | Report abuse
SouthBeech "Little children can debate every bite of dinner, trip to the potty, the length of any play date, how much soap to use in the tub, how many books to read... " Only if you let them. In short, "don't". Choices, yes but within reason. Debating, no. When Mom or Dad makes the call, that's that. It's call... more
"Little children can debate every bite of dinner, trip to the potty, the
length of any play date, how much soap to use in the tub, how many books
to read... " Only if you let them. In short, "don't". Choices, yes but within reason. Debating, no. When Mom or Dad makes the call, that's that. It's called "effective parenting". less
4 hours ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
hxj0bow How to negotiate with your kidsYou don't, period, end of discussion. Any parent who does is a fool. Children need the security of known limits, They well prob the boundaries and if they find them movable they will keep pushing till they find something solid. Set a reasonable age appropriate limit a... more
How to negotiate with your kids

You don't, period, end of discussion. Any parent who does is a fool. Children need the security of known limits, They well prob the boundaries and if they find them movable they will keep pushing till they find something solid. Set a reasonable age appropriate limit and keep it. If a tantrum ensues and you cave in they have learned that you have no spine and that you are NOT in charge. You are supposedly the adult in the situation, act like one. less
4 hours ago | Like (7) | Report abuse
lion777 It's a little thing called consistency. When you're child is born you should be smart enough to maintain a bench mark of how things are. There's no negotiating involved. A child is exactly that, a child. They haven't any life experience to reference. Nor is it your job to be their buddy. A parent is... more
It's a little thing called consistency. When you're child is born you should be smart enough to maintain a bench mark of how things are. There's no negotiating involved. A child is exactly that, a child. They haven't any life experience to reference. Nor is it your job to be their buddy. A parent is their to instill within their child the moral compass they need in life. To teach them how we interact with each other in the world outside with respect. Provide an example of self-accountability. That we do standard maintenance before we play, i.e. pickup your room, take out the trash, do the dishes. Teaching them how to be grown up. (Goes to show how many 'adults' NEVER got that..SAD) THAT is what parents are SUPPOSED to be doing. But no. They'd rather try to be their kids pal. Or get them into the activities they WISH they had done when they were a kid. Children need a few simple things. Love, patients, proper diet, right amount of sleep, read to them when they're young in the hope they'll find the enjoyment of reading, play outside for fresh air and exercise... The problem is apparently a whole lot of Americans' were raised by morons. Thanks to all the psycho-babble that surfaced in the 60's, 70's, and 80's. less
4 hours ago | Like (3) | Report abuse
hewhoseeks Oh my. More weak parenting advice.This is worrisome. Children are most comfortable when there are limits and rules that are consistent. Negotiating with rules is not a good idea. There are areas that might be okay to negotiate such as, "Could I have a smaller helping of lima beans?" If the kid hates... more
Oh my. More weak parenting advice.

This is worrisome.
Children are most comfortable when there are limits and rules that are consistent. Negotiating with rules is not a good idea. There are areas that might be okay to negotiate such as, "Could I have a smaller helping of lima beans?" If the kid hates limas but you want them to at least eat a few, okay. That is not bending a household rule.

When this precious little girl becomes a precious little teenager there will be a need for rules that are strictly adhered to or she will become a precocious teenager and the parents will be in a world of misery. less
4 hours ago | Like (4) | Report abuse
ThatsItFolks Negotiating Skills??????Your the parent, act like one. Don't put the responsibility all on your children's shoulders.Your children look at you for guidance and direction. Anything else and they see you really don't care about being responsible for their child hood development.They are not mature eno... more
Negotiating Skills??????
Your the parent, act like one. Don't put the responsibility all on your children's shoulders.Your children look at you for guidance and direction. Anything else and they see you really don't care about being responsible for their child hood development.
They are not mature enough to have had life's experiences to be able to make a decision for their long term best interest. less
4 hours ago | Like (2) | Report abuse
ithinkk This is the problem with so many children now days....parents letting the kids make the choices. There shouldn't be any negotiating, the parents should make the rules and ENFORCE them.
4 hours ago | Like (5) | Report abuse
forcryingout you don't negotiate with terrorists. Kids aren't stupid, they know that when you cave in to their demands , or negotiate with them , they have the upper hand. If the issue is important, you don't ask your 3 year old daughter ,you tell her to do as she is told. Families aren't democracies , they are ... more
you don't negotiate with terrorists. Kids aren't stupid, they know that when you cave in to their demands , or negotiate with them , they have the upper hand. If the issue is important, you don't ask your 3 year old daughter ,you tell her to do as she is told. Families aren't democracies , they are dictatorships. You as the parents are sole rulers , and your kids are subjects. This is the message you should send your kids... less
5 hours ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
SouthBeech @Ents: If he did, from what I've seen in public too much of the time he's right.
4 hours ago | Like (2) | Report abuse
Ents Did you just compare kids to terrorists?
5 hours ago | Like (4) | Report abuse
sonic10158 In california, the government will do it for the parents
5 hours ago | Like (1) | Report abuse
PrairieGhost "When teens don't have these skills it leads to black and white thinking: I'm right, you're wrong; digging in one's heels instead of addressing the problem." --and then they grow up and go into politics! :D
6 hours ago | Like (3) | Report abuse
anInfidel Negotiating? Um, no. Problem one is "I have to make a last-minute work call at 8:30 p.m." No you don't. You're trying to have it all, so you kid gets less than. And your 3-year-old ought to be asleep by 8.
6 hours ago | Like (10) | Report abuse
Halfbajan This is what's wrong with our country. Letting your kid have a reasonable say in what they eat or wear isn't negotiation. Having to bargain with someone 2 feet tall over bedtime is ridiculous. You're the parent, they're the kid so you get to make the rules. If they break the rules, you enforce them ... more
This is what's wrong with our country. Letting your kid have a reasonable say in what they eat or wear isn't negotiation. Having to bargain with someone 2 feet tall over bedtime is ridiculous. You're the parent, they're the kid so you get to make the rules. If they break the rules, you enforce them in a loving but firm way. When they're the parent they can make the rules. Deal with it!! less
6 hours ago | Like (25) | Report abuse
2nova Although many of the points the author makes are fine sound bites culled from decades of work in child development, (not her own Great Thoughts”, she’s hung up on the high-sounding term, “negotiating”. Clearly this makes her feel very smart - but I detect a strong note of helplessness as well. Tha... more
Although many of the points the author makes are fine sound bites culled from decades of work in child development, (not her own Great Thoughts”, she’s hung up on the high-sounding term, “negotiating”. Clearly this makes her feel very smart - but I detect a strong note of helplessness as well. That’s because “negotiating” with a 3-year old is really “bribery”. What the child is likely to take away from this is that if she is recalcitrant enough, she’ll get paid off to do what Mommy wants. It’s raising your kid to be rather cold and calculating, disinclined to do what’s right, or what others wish unless there’s some pay off for her.

Some people may think that’s OK. But they may find their kid to be lacking in empathy and compassion later on.

It’s fine to let kids have choices, but it won’t teach them critical thinking unless the parent is willing to let their bad choice play out.

And children need to understand that sometimes they must do things, like let Mommy work, because if they don’t, there are consequences for all. No work, no money, no treats for anyone. In another example, you don’t get your kid to care for his/her pet in return for something - rather, you work to instill compassion and love for the pet in the child and help them to understand that if the pet becomes ill for lack of care, that that is a shameful thing.

(I’m not advocating using pets as training tools, it’s just an illustration of a dynamic that I have seen at least 5 times in the last few years, kids who “negotiate” things with Mommy and Daddy just shrug their shoulders, or laugh when the bunnies or goats or kittens die. What do they care? They got their payoff - daily responsibility and compassion cannot be negotiated)

Negotiation should be a distant fourth life strategy behind developing a childs sense of responsibility, place within the family, and love for others. less
6 hours ago | Like (8) | Report abuse
Guest Type your comment here.Negotiating with children - are you kidding me. It is not a democracy. Children are expected to what they are told. They have every right to have an opinion - but remember that is all it is an opinion. Until the time that I am dribbling on a bib and stuck in a wheelchair I am ... more
Type your comment here.Negotiating with children - are you kidding me. It is not a democracy. Children are expected to what they are told. They have every right to have an opinion - but remember that is all it is an opinion. Until the time that I am dribbling on a bib and stuck in a wheelchair I am the top of the food chain. I would like to mention that I successfully raised three young men who are very happy in their lives and I do not for one minute think I took anything away from them by not Negotiating. less
7 hours ago | Like (16) | Report abuse
Thibby I was born in 1989, so that extra year gives me the knowledge to know this whole article is garbage for some reason. My mother never negotiated with me. I argue with her? I got a wooden spoon. I can tell you right now, that if the world revolved around me? I wouldn't have gotten such spoonage to my ... more
I was born in 1989, so that extra year gives me the knowledge to know this whole article is garbage for some reason.

My mother never negotiated with me. I argue with her? I got a wooden spoon. I can tell you right now, that if the world revolved around me? I wouldn't have gotten such spoonage to my behind. However, the world doesn't revolve around me, and getting a good thwack to the back proved that quite often until I shaped right up. less
7 hours ago | Like (13) | Report abuse
moiraesfate OMG, so your answer to kids behaving badly is to negotiate with them. Thats idiotic. They're children. There is no negotiation. They're kids. They do what they're told or they get punished. Period. Stop kissing kids butts. You're trying to raise good productive members of society not whiny babies.
7 hours ago | Like (20) | Report abuse
moiraesfate Oh and btw, I'm only 35. I'm sick to death watching the way parents don't parent nowadays, instead they want to be their childs friend, and then we get things like school shootings and bullying.
7 hours ago | Like (10) | Report abuse Load next 25 | View all comments
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