9 things parents should never say to kids

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/12/dont.say.to.child.p/index.html

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Share this on:Mixx Facebook Twitter Digg delicious reddit MySpace StumbleUpon LinkedIn 9 things you shouldn't say to your child By Paula Spencer, Parenting.com
July 12, 2011 10:40 a.m. EDT
Stop yourself before turning into "Mount Momsuvius" and spewing things you shouldn't say.STORY HIGHLIGHTS
A parent who doesn't crave a break is a saint or someone who's overdue for alone time
Labels like "shy" or "smart" pigeonhole kids and put unnecessary expectations on them
It's natural for parents to compare their kids, but they shouldn't let their child hear them
Spanking has been proven to be an ineffective way to change behavior
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Parenting
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(Parenting.com) -- I was trying to do two things at once -- cook (in the kitchen) while deciphering some paperwork (in the next room). I'd been interrupted a thousand times with requests for snacks, shrieks over spilled paint water, questions about what squirrels like to eat, and arguments over whether clouds could be blue and flowers could be green. And did I mention that a ruptured disk in my back was throbbing even worse than my head?

Still, nothing can excuse my behavior that afternoon.

I erupted like Mount Momsuvius: "Enough! Get out! Stop bothering me!"

The look on my daughters' faces said it all. The 2-year-old's eyes widened. The 4-year-old furrowed her brow and jabbed her thumb between her lips. Immediately I wished I could stuff the hot-lava words back into my mouth. They certainly hadn't come from my heart, or my brain.

We all say the wrong thing sometimes, leaving our kids feeling hurt, angry, or confused. Read on for some of the most common verbal missteps moms and dads make, and kinder, gentler alternatives:

'Leave me alone!'

A parent who doesn't crave an occasional break is a saint, a martyr, or someone who's so overdue for some time alone she's forgotten the benefits of recharging.

Trouble is, when you routinely tell your kids, "Don't bother me" or "I'm busy," they internalize that message, says Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D., founder of the Ozark Center for Language Studies, in Huntsville, Arkansas.

"They begin to think there's no point in talking to you because you're always brushing them off." If you set up that pattern when your children are small, then they may be less likely to tell you things as they get older.

From infancy, kids should get in the habit of seeing their parents take time for themselves. Use pressure-release valves -- whether signing up with a babysitting co-op, trading off childcare with your partner or a friend, or even parking your child in front of a video so that you can have half an hour to relax and regroup.

At those times when you're preoccupied (or overstressed, as I was when I exploded at my girls), set up some parameters in advance. I might have said, "Mom has to finish this one thing, so I need you to paint quietly for a few minutes. When I'm done, we'll go outside."

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Just be realistic. A toddler and a preschooler aren't likely to amuse themselves for a whole hour.

'You're so...'

Labels are shortcuts that shortchange kids: "Why are you so mean to Katie?" Or "How could you be such a klutz?" Sometimes kids overhear us talking to others: "She's my shy one."

Young children believe what they hear without question, even when it's about themselves. So negative labels can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Thomas gets the message that meanness is his nature. "Klutzy" Sarah begins to think of herself that way, undermining her confidence. Even labels that seem neutral or positive -- "shy" or "smart" -- pigeonhole a child and place unnecessary or inappropriate expectations on her.

The worst ones cut dangerously deep. Many a parent can still vividly, and bitterly, remember when her own parent said something like "You're so hopeless" (or "lazy" or "stupid").

A far better approach is to address the specific behavior and leave the adjectives about your child's personality out of it. For example, "Katie's feelings were hurt when you told everyone not to play with her. How can we make her feel better?"

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'Don't cry'

Variations: "Don't be sad." "Don't be a baby." "Now, now -- there's no reason to be afraid." But kids do get upset enough to cry, especially toddlers, who can't always articulate their feelings with words. They do get sad. They do get frightened.

"It's natural to want to protect a child from such feelings," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., director of Family Support Services at the Mailman Segal Institute for Early Childhood Studies at Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. "But saying 'Don't be' doesn't make a child feel better, and it also can send the message that his emotions aren't valid -- that it's not okay to be sad or scared."

Rather than deny that your child feels a particular way -- when he obviously does -- acknowledge the emotion up front.

"It must make you really sad when Jason says he doesn't want to be your friend anymore." "Yes, the waves sure can be scary when you're not used to them. But we'll just stand here together and let them tickle our feet. I promise I won't let go of your hand."

By naming the real feelings that your child has, you'll give him the words to express himself -- and you'll show him what it means to be empathetic. Ultimately, he'll cry less and describe his emotions instead.

'Why can't you be more like your sister?'

It might seem helpful to hold out a sibling or friend as a shining example. "Look how well Sam zips his coat," you might say. Or "Jenna's using the potty already, so why can't you do that too?" But comparisons almost always backfire. Your child is herself, not Sam or Jenna.

It's natural for parents to compare their kids, to look for a frame of reference about their milestones or their behavior, say experts.

But don't let your child hear you doing it. Kids develop at their own pace and have their own temperament and personality. Comparing your child to someone else implies that you wish yours were different.

Nor does making comparisons help change behavior. Being pressured to do something she's not ready for (or doesn't like to do) can be confusing to a little kid and can undermine her self-confidence. She's also likely to resent you and resolve not to do what you want, in a test of wills.

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Instead, encourage her current achievements: "Wow, you put both arms in your coat all by yourself!" Or "Thanks for telling me your diaper needs changing."

'You know better than that!'

Like comparisons, quick gibes can sting in ways parents never imagine. For one thing, a child actually may not have known better. Learning is a process of trial and error. Did your child really understand that a heavy pitcher would be hard to pour from? Maybe it didn't seem that full, or it was different from the one he's successfully poured from by himself at preschool.

And even if he made the same mistake just yesterday, your comment is neither productive nor supportive. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, and be specific. Say "I like it better if you do it this way, thank you."

Similar jabs include "I can't believe you did that!" and "It's about time!" They may not seem awful, but you don't want to say them too much. They add up, and the underlying message kids hear is: "You're a pain in the neck, and you never do anything right."

'Stop or I'll give you something to cry about!'

Threats, usually the result of parental frustration, are rarely effective. We sputter warnings like "Do this or else!" or "If you do that one more time, I'll spank you!"

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The problem is that sooner or later you have to make good on the threat or else it loses its power. Threats of hitting have been found to lead to more spanking -- which itself has been proven to be an ineffective way to change behavior.

The younger a child is, the longer it takes for a lesson to sink in. "Studies have shown that the odds of a two-year-old's repeating a misdeed later in the same day are eighty percent no matter what sort of discipline you use," says Murray Straus, Ph.D., a sociologist at the University of New Hampshire's Family Research Lab.

Even with older kids, no discipline strategy yields surefire results right off the bat every time. So it's more effective to develop a repertoire of constructive tactics, such as redirection, removing the child from the situation, or time-outs, than it is to rely on those with proven negative consequences, including verbal threats and spanking.

'Wait till daddy gets home!'

This familiar parenting cliché is not only another kind of threat, it's also diluted discipline. To be effective, you need to take care of a situation immediately yourself.

Discipline that's postponed doesn't connect the consequences with your child's actions. By the time the other parent gets home, it's likely that your child will actually have forgotten what she did wrong. Alternately, the agony of anticipating a punishment may be worse than what the original crime deserved.

Passing the buck to someone else also undermines your authority. "Why should I listen to Mom if she's not going to do anything anyway?" your child may reason. Not least, you're putting your partner in an undeserved bad-cop role.

'Hurry up!'

Who in this world of back-to-back appointments, overbooked schedules, sleep deficits, and traffic snarls hasn't uttered these immortal words?

Certainly every parent whose toddler can't find his shoes or blankie or who's blissfully oblivious of anything but putting on his socks "all by self!" has. Consider, though, your tone of voice when you implore a child to hurry, and how often you say it.

If you're starting to whine, screech, or sigh every day, with your hands on your hips and your toes tapping, beware. There's a tendency when we're rushed to make our kids feel guilty for making us rush. The guilt may make them feel bad, but it doesn't motivate them to move faster.

"It got so hectic at my house in the mornings, I hated that the last image my kids had of me was being angry," says family therapist Paul Coleman, author of "How to Say It to Your Kids." "So I made a pact with myself. No matter what, I wouldn't yell or roll my eyes even if someone spilled their Cheerios or asked me to find something just as we were heading out."

Rather than hectoring ("I told you to turn off that TV five minutes ago!"), he looks for calm ways to speed things along (he turns off the set himself).

'Great job!" or "Good girl!'

What could possibly be wrong with praise? Positive reinforcement, after all, is one of the most effective tools a parent has. The trouble comes in when the praise is vague and indiscriminate.

Tossing out "Great job!" for every little thing your child does -- from finishing his milk to drawing a picture -- becomes meaningless. Kids tune it out. They can also tell the difference between praise for doing something rote or simple and praise for a real effort.

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To get out of the habit of such effusiveness:

• Praise only those accomplishments that require real effort. Finishing a glass of milk doesn't cut it. Neither does drawing a picture, if your child is the kind who makes dozens of them every day.

• Be specific. Instead of "Beautiful job," say, "What bright, happy colors you picked for the dog's spots." Or "I see you drew a picture of the story that we read this morning."

• Praise the behavior rather than the child: "You were so quiet with your puzzle while I was finishing that paperwork, just like I asked."

How much nicer if I'd said that to my daughters instead of transforming into a spewing volcano. Luckily, I'm sure to get another opportunity tomorrow.

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LAB1 I read this article and saw a coddle session about to start. Come on, folks, children are people with feelings, yes, BUT they must learn how to fit into the world around them, not the world bending and shaping to fit around the individual child. I raised a physically challenged child with cerebral... more
I read this article and saw a coddle session about to start. Come on, folks, children are people with feelings, yes, BUT they must learn how to fit into the world around them, not the world bending and shaping to fit around the individual child. I raised a physically challenged child with cerebral palsey and even he learned how to get a move on it in the morning. Praising children for just breathing is only acceptable to the premature baby who no longer needs a ventilator to breathe. Can you expect and actually get the behaviour you want and need? Yes, it's work. You have to repeat yourself over and over because children will test your endurance. YOU, the parent, must set the parameters around what is acceptable when you must concentrate on getting something done, and if that means putting a crying, screaming two-year-old in a playpen for a period of time, then so be it. Sometimes if you want something done, you have to do it yourself--turn off the television or audio unit; remove the item from your child's hands; physically separate combative children and be prepared to get hit in the process, etc. You are the parent, not the other way around. You control the situation, not the children. less
1 week ago | Like (63) | Report abuse
animaguskatt Ooookay, I'm against spanking and a fan of teaching your child to use their words rather than their fists and all, but this article suggests that we basically treat children like their little psyches are set to crumble at any second. Things like "why can't you be more like your sister" obviously are... more
Ooookay, I'm against spanking and a fan of teaching your child to use their words rather than their fists and all, but this article suggests that we basically treat children like their little psyches are set to crumble at any second. Things like "why can't you be more like your sister" obviously aren't helpful, but I take issue with these:

"Don't cry" -- Yes, this can be used to invalidate a child's emotions which is harmful, but sometimes a child's emotions are WAY over the top for the situation they are in. If they get a nasty boo-boo or their best friend said something really mean, then okay, let them cry some. But if they spilled their milk and start wailing and flailing like their whole world is ending, that's an extreme reaction to a very minor situation that should be corrected.

'You know better than that!' -- Completely disagree with this one. Kids should be taught to trust their own sense of right and wrong, and when we're disappointed in their judgment, they should know it. Children must be taught to self-manage their own behavior in ways that are age-appropriate (and ideally a bit more mature than their current age). We as parents must set expectations, and expect our children to live up to them and understand that our approval of their behavior matters.

'Hurry up!' -- Oh, come on. This is just plain consideration for others. If their dawdling is slowing up the rest of the family, they need to be aware of it so they realize that the entire world doesn't revolve around them. It's part of being a family. Although, greater patience IS required for younger kids, who are still learning how to relate to others.

'Great job!" or "Good girl!' -- Yeah, I don't really see the difference in these particular statements vs. alternatives the author recommended. 'Great job!" or "Good girl!' are often enough the right things to say to encourage compliance and reward good behavior. less
1 week ago | Like (79) | Report abuse
Thinks2010 Rule of thumb: If you wouldn't say it to a co-worker or other adult because you know they would probably ignore you or might even punch you out, don't say it to your child.

1 week ago | Like (40) | Report abuse
Losuca She forgot one! "Just ignore them" When a child is bullied or teased, a parent, teacher, or other person in charge uses the term. It's the wrong thing to say. Just telling a child to ignore the comments, does not help. When a child hears things over and over again, they start to believe it. Tell... more
She forgot one! "Just ignore them" When a child is bullied or teased, a parent, teacher, or other person in charge uses the term. It's the wrong thing to say. Just telling a child to ignore the comments, does not help. When a child hears things over and over again, they start to believe it. Telling them to ignore it sends the wrong message. The correct thing is to help the child realize what the are being told is not true. Reinforcing a positive for the child will help him or her gain self esteem, and then the bully will no longer have any influence what so ever! less
1 week ago | Like (30) | Report abuse
LAB1 I have to agree with you here, because "just ignore it" won't prevent getting physically attacked by the bully. It would be great if the "just ignore it" method got the message across, but it doesn't. Bullies don't how to "just be ignored." Sometimes, bullies learn by only one method--a taste of ... more
I have to agree with you here, because "just ignore it" won't prevent getting physically attacked by the bully. It would be great if the "just ignore it" method got the message across, but it doesn't. Bullies don't how to "just be ignored." Sometimes, bullies learn by only one method--a taste of their own medicine. less
1 week ago | Like (11) | Report abuse
gshickler Place: Disney World Monorail. Happiest place on Earth, right? Time: last week, I think it was Wednesday. Around 2 PM.Scene: Young mother loudly berating her two year old for this and for that. Everyone in the car is either ignoring, cringing or blocking it out with iproduct. Two year old topples. Mo... more
Place: Disney World Monorail. Happiest place on Earth, right?
Time: last week, I think it was Wednesday. Around 2 PM.
Scene: Young mother loudly berating her two year old for this and for that. Everyone in the car is either ignoring, cringing or blocking it out with iproduct. Two year old topples. Mother shouts, "Clumsy! You are SO clumsy! Clumsy, clumsy, clumsy!".

I sit there imagining what I can say. How can I say it? What happens when others tell me to mind my business? I am not strong enough so I tune it out and I imagine something powerful. I suddenly imagine how important CNN could actually be in my vision.

So instead of scrolling the latest news updates regarding violent acts and trials around the world, CNN, how about scrolling parenting tips like this? Positive statements that inform the general public that how each person treats children is collectively important to our world. To ending violence and pain...treat children right. less
1 week ago | Like (24) | Report abuse
Merin This article is ridiculous. We're raising our kids to be in the world and the world is not always nice and polite. Kids need to recognize that parents have limits and feelings, too. Do you yell at them or demean them? No! But don't beat yourself up if you snap once in a while. Apologize, work to do ... more
This article is ridiculous. We're raising our kids to be in the world and the world is not always nice and polite. Kids need to recognize that parents have limits and feelings, too. Do you yell at them or demean them? No! But don't beat yourself up if you snap once in a while. Apologize, work to do better next time, and move on. Oh, and sometimes kids DO "know better than that" it's called being lazy. And kids can be that, too. less
1 week ago | Like (87) | Report abuse
DV67 I totally agree! Now I can't tell my kid to hurry up??? Come on now.
1 week ago | Like (27) | Report abuse
BenDover69 Now we have morons giving more parenting advice to the most over indulged generation in our history. Your kids are world beaters, over achievers and heros. MOST will work 9-5, 40+ hours a week at a job they hate, get divorced, have problems and be chronically AVERAGE. Get over it.
1 week ago | Like (34) | Report abuse
stvnkrs10 Your generation raised them to be that way lol
1 week ago | Like (38) | Report abuse
MKFranz2 I take issue with this article. It sounds to me like a mother who feels guilty for only partially being available for her children. No one can raise children perfectly and phrasing what you say to them to best guard their 'feelings' is silly. The type of mother that falls into this type of thinki... more
I take issue with this article. It sounds to me like a mother who feels guilty for only partially being available for her children. No one can raise children perfectly and phrasing what you say to them to best guard their 'feelings' is silly. The type of mother that falls into this type of thinking is likely (I said likely, not absolutely) to be the kind of mother that wants to be her teenage daughter's best friend, to the detriment of her moral character. But hey, you never know. I love my children, and I am quick to correct them when they do something they should not. It is worse for them to continue on with bad behavior than to allow them to develop bad habits just to avoid hurting their precious little feelings. (by the way, my older kids are very self assured because they know they are not perfect and can handle criticism when the world gives it to them. They also know that I love them, even though I have -gasp- said "not now, I'm busy.") less
1 week ago | Like (25) | Report abuse
zNewsFlash I used to work in the portrait studio. These mom's would come in and their kids would be biting them, scratching at their face, kicking and screaming, tearing the place apart and stomping cheerios into the carpeting. Then they would very quietly say, "Hunnnnny, don't do tha~at." Don't do that either... more
I used to work in the portrait studio. These mom's would come in and their kids would be biting them, scratching at their face, kicking and screaming, tearing the place apart and stomping cheerios into the carpeting. Then they would very quietly say, "Hunnnnny, don't do tha~at." Don't do that either please. That is crazy. For christ sake Discipline them! I see it everywhere all the time in this country. Too many kids with rotten behavior because of their ignorant mothers.
Anyway, when you talk to children, It's all about the tone in your voice, so use it wisely. less
1 week ago | Like (33) | Report abuse
LAB1 The reason why people don't openly discipline their children is that with these new child abuse laws in place, parents are afraid to do what is necessary lest they be called into child protective authorities. If you child cannot behave properly in public, take him/her out of the situation and so th... more
The reason why people don't openly discipline their children is that with these new child abuse laws in place, parents are afraid to do what is necessary lest they be called into child protective authorities. If you child cannot behave properly in public, take him/her out of the situation and so the professional portrait isn't taken that day, oh well. Children learn that their behaviour is not acceptable when they are taken out of a store, restaurant, church, etc. for the running around, bothering other patrons, screaming, crying, touching everything in sight, refusal to sit at the table and eat, etc. less
1 week ago | Like (17) | Report abuse
avoiceof1 Dont tell them you love them if you do not like them . You may not like what they do but if you do not like them as a person or that they are your child at all . Do not just say the words I love you just to say it . This can be more hurtful then not saying anything at all . A child knows . Teac... more
Dont tell them you love them if you do not like them . You may not like what they do but if you do not like them as a person or that they are your child at all . Do not just say the words I love you just to say it . This can be more hurtful then not saying anything at all . A child knows . Teach them what love is . It is not just the words said it is how one is . In this your child will too know how to love others too . less
1 week ago | Like (3) | Report abuse
cpasteve In my opinion, one of the worst things one can say is "That's OK, you did your best." The child grows up thinking that non-performance is acceptable as long as they "try." I once had an employee who honestly thought that someone who tried and failed should receive the same reward as someone who tr... more
In my opinion, one of the worst things one can say is "That's OK, you did your best." The child grows up thinking that non-performance is acceptable as long as they "try." I once had an employee who honestly thought that someone who tried and failed should receive the same reward as someone who tried and succeeded. "You did your best" is the culprit. less
1 week ago | Like (15) | Report abuse
Serene1111 it really depends on the situation. some children do not even try, so encouraging trying is better than lethargy.
1 week ago | Like (8) | Report abuse
patrickdh10 I say praise the child when they do well,punish the child when they misbehave. Spankings allowed seasoned with love. Be involved in the child's life. Do these things and they'll grow up fine. The above article is a bunch of psycho-blathering. In my opinion.
1 week ago | Like (66) | Report abuse
Celestiela I know some adults I'd like to be beaten until they learn not to make mistakes. Maybe we'd have fewer in jail, fewer drunk drivers, fewer kids in foster care.
1 week ago | Like (8) | Report abuse
DV67 To paraphrase Bill Cosby....kids don't fear words, they fear pain. A quick little smack on the rear (not a full-on beating) does far more than a lecture for small kids with no attention span.
1 week ago | Like (36) | Report abuse
SylviaM713 In general....I seriously would like to know...." what is a child suppose to learn from a spanking ?" Pain is accompanied with misbehavior? So....when adults do wrong, are they suppose to be beat until they learn not to make mistakes? Come On ! Talk with your mouth, not with your hands! Learn to t... more
In general....I seriously would like to know...." what is a child suppose to learn from a spanking ?" Pain is accompanied with misbehavior? So....when adults do wrong, are they suppose to be beat until they learn not to make mistakes? Come On ! Talk with your mouth, not with your hands! Learn to talk correctly, and the message will be understood...anyone who disagrees, should seriously take in to consideration, who corrects them when they are wrong! less
1 week ago | Like (14) | Report abuse
redflowers No offense, but I think this is how the Anthonys raised Casey and look where that got them. People there is no one way to raise children, each are individuals, but saying that these things leave scars is just silly. As a parent, you do your best and pray...so stop acting like everyone one of us is b... more
No offense, but I think this is how the Anthonys raised Casey and look where that got them. People there is no one way to raise children, each are individuals, but saying that these things leave scars is just silly. As a parent, you do your best and pray...so stop acting like everyone one of us is bad and start helping us! less
1 week ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
Kgotway I am a left wing member of the Y generation and I found myself cringing at a lot of these suggestions. Seriously? You can't say 'you know better' when you child has done the same behavior before? Don't get me wrong there is never a reason to scream at or berate your child, but you are a PARENT an... more
I am a left wing member of the Y generation and I found myself cringing at a lot of these suggestions. Seriously? You can't say 'you know better' when you child has done the same behavior before? Don't get me wrong there is never a reason to scream at or berate your child, but you are a PARENT and they are a child. less
2 weeks ago | Like (26) | Report abuse
Serene1111 I agree. Some of this seems a bit silly to me.
1 week ago | Like (4) | Report abuse
chercheur Asking "okay?" after giving a directive is a practice that bugs me.
2 weeks ago | Like (14) | Report abuse
LAB1 Asking "okay?" after giving a directive makes the situation negotiable when perhaps it is not. NEVER say OKAY?" after you give a command. If anything, the words, "I said get it done!" are more appropriate.
1 week ago | Like (7) | Report abuse Load next 25
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