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9 things parents should never say to kids
http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/12/dont.say.to.child.p/index.html
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Share this on:Mixx Facebook Twitter Digg delicious reddit MySpace StumbleUpon LinkedIn 9 things you shouldn't say to your child By Paula Spencer, Parenting.com
July 12, 2011 10:40 a.m. EDT
Stop yourself before turning into "Mount Momsuvius" and spewing things you shouldn't say.STORY HIGHLIGHTS
A parent who doesn't crave a break is a saint or someone who's overdue for alone time
Labels like "shy" or "smart" pigeonhole kids and put unnecessary expectations on them
It's natural for parents to compare their kids, but they shouldn't let their child hear them
Spanking has been proven to be an ineffective way to change behavior
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(Parenting.com) -- I was trying to do two things at once -- cook (in the kitchen) while deciphering some paperwork (in the next room). I'd been interrupted a thousand times with requests for snacks, shrieks over spilled paint water, questions about what squirrels like to eat, and arguments over whether clouds could be blue and flowers could be green. And did I mention that a ruptured disk in my back was throbbing even worse than my head?
Still, nothing can excuse my behavior that afternoon.
I erupted like Mount Momsuvius: "Enough! Get out! Stop bothering me!"
The look on my daughters' faces said it all. The 2-year-old's eyes widened. The 4-year-old furrowed her brow and jabbed her thumb between her lips. Immediately I wished I could stuff the hot-lava words back into my mouth. They certainly hadn't come from my heart, or my brain.
We all say the wrong thing sometimes, leaving our kids feeling hurt, angry, or confused. Read on for some of the most common verbal missteps moms and dads make, and kinder, gentler alternatives:
'Leave me alone!'
A parent who doesn't crave an occasional break is a saint, a martyr, or someone who's so overdue for some time alone she's forgotten the benefits of recharging.
Trouble is, when you routinely tell your kids, "Don't bother me" or "I'm busy," they internalize that message, says Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D., founder of the Ozark Center for Language Studies, in Huntsville, Arkansas.
"They begin to think there's no point in talking to you because you're always brushing them off." If you set up that pattern when your children are small, then they may be less likely to tell you things as they get older.
From infancy, kids should get in the habit of seeing their parents take time for themselves. Use pressure-release valves -- whether signing up with a babysitting co-op, trading off childcare with your partner or a friend, or even parking your child in front of a video so that you can have half an hour to relax and regroup.
At those times when you're preoccupied (or overstressed, as I was when I exploded at my girls), set up some parameters in advance. I might have said, "Mom has to finish this one thing, so I need you to paint quietly for a few minutes. When I'm done, we'll go outside."
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Just be realistic. A toddler and a preschooler aren't likely to amuse themselves for a whole hour.
'You're so...'
Labels are shortcuts that shortchange kids: "Why are you so mean to Katie?" Or "How could you be such a klutz?" Sometimes kids overhear us talking to others: "She's my shy one."
Young children believe what they hear without question, even when it's about themselves. So negative labels can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thomas gets the message that meanness is his nature. "Klutzy" Sarah begins to think of herself that way, undermining her confidence. Even labels that seem neutral or positive -- "shy" or "smart" -- pigeonhole a child and place unnecessary or inappropriate expectations on her.
The worst ones cut dangerously deep. Many a parent can still vividly, and bitterly, remember when her own parent said something like "You're so hopeless" (or "lazy" or "stupid").
A far better approach is to address the specific behavior and leave the adjectives about your child's personality out of it. For example, "Katie's feelings were hurt when you told everyone not to play with her. How can we make her feel better?"
Parenting.com: How to win over super-stubborn children
'Don't cry'
Variations: "Don't be sad." "Don't be a baby." "Now, now -- there's no reason to be afraid." But kids do get upset enough to cry, especially toddlers, who can't always articulate their feelings with words. They do get sad. They do get frightened.
"It's natural to want to protect a child from such feelings," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., director of Family Support Services at the Mailman Segal Institute for Early Childhood Studies at Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. "But saying 'Don't be' doesn't make a child feel better, and it also can send the message that his emotions aren't valid -- that it's not okay to be sad or scared."
Rather than deny that your child feels a particular way -- when he obviously does -- acknowledge the emotion up front.
"It must make you really sad when Jason says he doesn't want to be your friend anymore." "Yes, the waves sure can be scary when you're not used to them. But we'll just stand here together and let them tickle our feet. I promise I won't let go of your hand."
By naming the real feelings that your child has, you'll give him the words to express himself -- and you'll show him what it means to be empathetic. Ultimately, he'll cry less and describe his emotions instead.
'Why can't you be more like your sister?'
It might seem helpful to hold out a sibling or friend as a shining example. "Look how well Sam zips his coat," you might say. Or "Jenna's using the potty already, so why can't you do that too?" But comparisons almost always backfire. Your child is herself, not Sam or Jenna.
It's natural for parents to compare their kids, to look for a frame of reference about their milestones or their behavior, say experts.
But don't let your child hear you doing it. Kids develop at their own pace and have their own temperament and personality. Comparing your child to someone else implies that you wish yours were different.
Nor does making comparisons help change behavior. Being pressured to do something she's not ready for (or doesn't like to do) can be confusing to a little kid and can undermine her self-confidence. She's also likely to resent you and resolve not to do what you want, in a test of wills.
Parenting.com: How to deal with sibling rivalry
Instead, encourage her current achievements: "Wow, you put both arms in your coat all by yourself!" Or "Thanks for telling me your diaper needs changing."
'You know better than that!'
Like comparisons, quick gibes can sting in ways parents never imagine. For one thing, a child actually may not have known better. Learning is a process of trial and error. Did your child really understand that a heavy pitcher would be hard to pour from? Maybe it didn't seem that full, or it was different from the one he's successfully poured from by himself at preschool.
And even if he made the same mistake just yesterday, your comment is neither productive nor supportive. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, and be specific. Say "I like it better if you do it this way, thank you."
Similar jabs include "I can't believe you did that!" and "It's about time!" They may not seem awful, but you don't want to say them too much. They add up, and the underlying message kids hear is: "You're a pain in the neck, and you never do anything right."
'Stop or I'll give you something to cry about!'
Threats, usually the result of parental frustration, are rarely effective. We sputter warnings like "Do this or else!" or "If you do that one more time, I'll spank you!"
Parenting.com: Why toddlers throw temper tantrums
The problem is that sooner or later you have to make good on the threat or else it loses its power. Threats of hitting have been found to lead to more spanking -- which itself has been proven to be an ineffective way to change behavior.
The younger a child is, the longer it takes for a lesson to sink in. "Studies have shown that the odds of a two-year-old's repeating a misdeed later in the same day are eighty percent no matter what sort of discipline you use," says Murray Straus, Ph.D., a sociologist at the University of New Hampshire's Family Research Lab.
Even with older kids, no discipline strategy yields surefire results right off the bat every time. So it's more effective to develop a repertoire of constructive tactics, such as redirection, removing the child from the situation, or time-outs, than it is to rely on those with proven negative consequences, including verbal threats and spanking.
'Wait till daddy gets home!'
This familiar parenting cliché is not only another kind of threat, it's also diluted discipline. To be effective, you need to take care of a situation immediately yourself.
Discipline that's postponed doesn't connect the consequences with your child's actions. By the time the other parent gets home, it's likely that your child will actually have forgotten what she did wrong. Alternately, the agony of anticipating a punishment may be worse than what the original crime deserved.
Passing the buck to someone else also undermines your authority. "Why should I listen to Mom if she's not going to do anything anyway?" your child may reason. Not least, you're putting your partner in an undeserved bad-cop role.
'Hurry up!'
Who in this world of back-to-back appointments, overbooked schedules, sleep deficits, and traffic snarls hasn't uttered these immortal words?
Certainly every parent whose toddler can't find his shoes or blankie or who's blissfully oblivious of anything but putting on his socks "all by self!" has. Consider, though, your tone of voice when you implore a child to hurry, and how often you say it.
If you're starting to whine, screech, or sigh every day, with your hands on your hips and your toes tapping, beware. There's a tendency when we're rushed to make our kids feel guilty for making us rush. The guilt may make them feel bad, but it doesn't motivate them to move faster.
"It got so hectic at my house in the mornings, I hated that the last image my kids had of me was being angry," says family therapist Paul Coleman, author of "How to Say It to Your Kids." "So I made a pact with myself. No matter what, I wouldn't yell or roll my eyes even if someone spilled their Cheerios or asked me to find something just as we were heading out."
Rather than hectoring ("I told you to turn off that TV five minutes ago!"), he looks for calm ways to speed things along (he turns off the set himself).
'Great job!" or "Good girl!'
What could possibly be wrong with praise? Positive reinforcement, after all, is one of the most effective tools a parent has. The trouble comes in when the praise is vague and indiscriminate.
Tossing out "Great job!" for every little thing your child does -- from finishing his milk to drawing a picture -- becomes meaningless. Kids tune it out. They can also tell the difference between praise for doing something rote or simple and praise for a real effort.
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To get out of the habit of such effusiveness:
• Praise only those accomplishments that require real effort. Finishing a glass of milk doesn't cut it. Neither does drawing a picture, if your child is the kind who makes dozens of them every day.
• Be specific. Instead of "Beautiful job," say, "What bright, happy colors you picked for the dog's spots." Or "I see you drew a picture of the story that we read this morning."
• Praise the behavior rather than the child: "You were so quiet with your puzzle while I was finishing that paperwork, just like I asked."
How much nicer if I'd said that to my daughters instead of transforming into a spewing volcano. Luckily, I'm sure to get another opportunity tomorrow.
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LAB1 I read this article and saw a coddle session about to start. Come on, folks, children are people with feelings, yes, BUT they must learn how to fit into the world around them, not the world bending and shaping to fit around the individual child. I raised a physically challenged child with cerebral... more
I read this article and saw a coddle session about to start. Come on, folks, children are people with feelings, yes, BUT they must learn how to fit into the world around them, not the world bending and shaping to fit around the individual child. I raised a physically challenged child with cerebral palsey and even he learned how to get a move on it in the morning. Praising children for just breathing is only acceptable to the premature baby who no longer needs a ventilator to breathe. Can you expect and actually get the behaviour you want and need? Yes, it's work. You have to repeat yourself over and over because children will test your endurance. YOU, the parent, must set the parameters around what is acceptable when you must concentrate on getting something done, and if that means putting a crying, screaming two-year-old in a playpen for a period of time, then so be it. Sometimes if you want something done, you have to do it yourself--turn off the television or audio unit; remove the item from your child's hands; physically separate combative children and be prepared to get hit in the process, etc. You are the parent, not the other way around. You control the situation, not the children. less
1 week ago | Like (63) | Report abuse
animaguskatt Ooookay, I'm against spanking and a fan of teaching your child to use their words rather than their fists and all, but this article suggests that we basically treat children like their little psyches are set to crumble at any second. Things like "why can't you be more like your sister" obviously are... more
Ooookay, I'm against spanking and a fan of teaching your child to use their words rather than their fists and all, but this article suggests that we basically treat children like their little psyches are set to crumble at any second. Things like "why can't you be more like your sister" obviously aren't helpful, but I take issue with these:
"Don't cry" -- Yes, this can be used to invalidate a child's emotions which is harmful, but sometimes a child's emotions are WAY over the top for the situation they are in. If they get a nasty boo-boo or their best friend said something really mean, then okay, let them cry some. But if they spilled their milk and start wailing and flailing like their whole world is ending, that's an extreme reaction to a very minor situation that should be corrected.
'You know better than that!' -- Completely disagree with this one. Kids should be taught to trust their own sense of right and wrong, and when we're disappointed in their judgment, they should know it. Children must be taught to self-manage their own behavior in ways that are age-appropriate (and ideally a bit more mature than their current age). We as parents must set expectations, and expect our children to live up to them and understand that our approval of their behavior matters.
'Hurry up!' -- Oh, come on. This is just plain consideration for others. If their dawdling is slowing up the rest of the family, they need to be aware of it so they realize that the entire world doesn't revolve around them. It's part of being a family. Although, greater patience IS required for younger kids, who are still learning how to relate to others.
'Great job!" or "Good girl!' -- Yeah, I don't really see the difference in these particular statements vs. alternatives the author recommended. 'Great job!" or "Good girl!' are often enough the right things to say to encourage compliance and reward good behavior. less
1 week ago | Like (79) | Report abuse
Thinks2010 Rule of thumb: If you wouldn't say it to a co-worker or other adult because you know they would probably ignore you or might even punch you out, don't say it to your child.
1 week ago | Like (40) | Report abuse
Losuca She forgot one! "Just ignore them" When a child is bullied or teased, a parent, teacher, or other person in charge uses the term. It's the wrong thing to say. Just telling a child to ignore the comments, does not help. When a child hears things over and over again, they start to believe it. Tell... more
She forgot one! "Just ignore them" When a child is bullied or teased, a parent, teacher, or other person in charge uses the term. It's the wrong thing to say. Just telling a child to ignore the comments, does not help. When a child hears things over and over again, they start to believe it. Telling them to ignore it sends the wrong message. The correct thing is to help the child realize what the are being told is not true. Reinforcing a positive for the child will help him or her gain self esteem, and then the bully will no longer have any influence what so ever! less
1 week ago | Like (30) | Report abuse
LAB1 I have to agree with you here, because "just ignore it" won't prevent getting physically attacked by the bully. It would be great if the "just ignore it" method got the message across, but it doesn't. Bullies don't how to "just be ignored." Sometimes, bullies learn by only one method--a taste of ... more
I have to agree with you here, because "just ignore it" won't prevent getting physically attacked by the bully. It would be great if the "just ignore it" method got the message across, but it doesn't. Bullies don't how to "just be ignored." Sometimes, bullies learn by only one method--a taste of their own medicine. less
1 week ago | Like (11) | Report abuse
gshickler Place: Disney World Monorail. Happiest place on Earth, right? Time: last week, I think it was Wednesday. Around 2 PM.Scene: Young mother loudly berating her two year old for this and for that. Everyone in the car is either ignoring, cringing or blocking it out with iproduct. Two year old topples. Mo... more
Place: Disney World Monorail. Happiest place on Earth, right?
Time: last week, I think it was Wednesday. Around 2 PM.
Scene: Young mother loudly berating her two year old for this and for that. Everyone in the car is either ignoring, cringing or blocking it out with iproduct. Two year old topples. Mother shouts, "Clumsy! You are SO clumsy! Clumsy, clumsy, clumsy!".
I sit there imagining what I can say. How can I say it? What happens when others tell me to mind my business? I am not strong enough so I tune it out and I imagine something powerful. I suddenly imagine how important CNN could actually be in my vision.
So instead of scrolling the latest news updates regarding violent acts and trials around the world, CNN, how about scrolling parenting tips like this? Positive statements that inform the general public that how each person treats children is collectively important to our world. To ending violence and pain...treat children right. less
1 week ago | Like (24) | Report abuse
Merin This article is ridiculous. We're raising our kids to be in the world and the world is not always nice and polite. Kids need to recognize that parents have limits and feelings, too. Do you yell at them or demean them? No! But don't beat yourself up if you snap once in a while. Apologize, work to do ... more
This article is ridiculous. We're raising our kids to be in the world and the world is not always nice and polite. Kids need to recognize that parents have limits and feelings, too. Do you yell at them or demean them? No! But don't beat yourself up if you snap once in a while. Apologize, work to do better next time, and move on. Oh, and sometimes kids DO "know better than that" it's called being lazy. And kids can be that, too. less
1 week ago | Like (87) | Report abuse
DV67 I totally agree! Now I can't tell my kid to hurry up??? Come on now.
1 week ago | Like (27) | Report abuse
BenDover69 Now we have morons giving more parenting advice to the most over indulged generation in our history. Your kids are world beaters, over achievers and heros. MOST will work 9-5, 40+ hours a week at a job they hate, get divorced, have problems and be chronically AVERAGE. Get over it.
1 week ago | Like (34) | Report abuse
stvnkrs10 Your generation raised them to be that way lol
1 week ago | Like (38) | Report abuse
MKFranz2 I take issue with this article. It sounds to me like a mother who feels guilty for only partially being available for her children. No one can raise children perfectly and phrasing what you say to them to best guard their 'feelings' is silly. The type of mother that falls into this type of thinki... more
I take issue with this article. It sounds to me like a mother who feels guilty for only partially being available for her children. No one can raise children perfectly and phrasing what you say to them to best guard their 'feelings' is silly. The type of mother that falls into this type of thinking is likely (I said likely, not absolutely) to be the kind of mother that wants to be her teenage daughter's best friend, to the detriment of her moral character. But hey, you never know. I love my children, and I am quick to correct them when they do something they should not. It is worse for them to continue on with bad behavior than to allow them to develop bad habits just to avoid hurting their precious little feelings. (by the way, my older kids are very self assured because they know they are not perfect and can handle criticism when the world gives it to them. They also know that I love them, even though I have -gasp- said "not now, I'm busy.") less
1 week ago | Like (25) | Report abuse
zNewsFlash I used to work in the portrait studio. These mom's would come in and their kids would be biting them, scratching at their face, kicking and screaming, tearing the place apart and stomping cheerios into the carpeting. Then they would very quietly say, "Hunnnnny, don't do tha~at." Don't do that either... more
I used to work in the portrait studio. These mom's would come in and their kids would be biting them, scratching at their face, kicking and screaming, tearing the place apart and stomping cheerios into the carpeting. Then they would very quietly say, "Hunnnnny, don't do tha~at." Don't do that either please. That is crazy. For christ sake Discipline them! I see it everywhere all the time in this country. Too many kids with rotten behavior because of their ignorant mothers.
Anyway, when you talk to children, It's all about the tone in your voice, so use it wisely. less
1 week ago | Like (33) | Report abuse
LAB1 The reason why people don't openly discipline their children is that with these new child abuse laws in place, parents are afraid to do what is necessary lest they be called into child protective authorities. If you child cannot behave properly in public, take him/her out of the situation and so th... more
The reason why people don't openly discipline their children is that with these new child abuse laws in place, parents are afraid to do what is necessary lest they be called into child protective authorities. If you child cannot behave properly in public, take him/her out of the situation and so the professional portrait isn't taken that day, oh well. Children learn that their behaviour is not acceptable when they are taken out of a store, restaurant, church, etc. for the running around, bothering other patrons, screaming, crying, touching everything in sight, refusal to sit at the table and eat, etc. less
1 week ago | Like (17) | Report abuse
avoiceof1 Dont tell them you love them if you do not like them . You may not like what they do but if you do not like them as a person or that they are your child at all . Do not just say the words I love you just to say it . This can be more hurtful then not saying anything at all . A child knows . Teac... more
Dont tell them you love them if you do not like them . You may not like what they do but if you do not like them as a person or that they are your child at all . Do not just say the words I love you just to say it . This can be more hurtful then not saying anything at all . A child knows . Teach them what love is . It is not just the words said it is how one is . In this your child will too know how to love others too . less
1 week ago | Like (3) | Report abuse
cpasteve In my opinion, one of the worst things one can say is "That's OK, you did your best." The child grows up thinking that non-performance is acceptable as long as they "try." I once had an employee who honestly thought that someone who tried and failed should receive the same reward as someone who tr... more
In my opinion, one of the worst things one can say is "That's OK, you did your best." The child grows up thinking that non-performance is acceptable as long as they "try." I once had an employee who honestly thought that someone who tried and failed should receive the same reward as someone who tried and succeeded. "You did your best" is the culprit. less
1 week ago | Like (15) | Report abuse
Serene1111 it really depends on the situation. some children do not even try, so encouraging trying is better than lethargy.
1 week ago | Like (8) | Report abuse
patrickdh10 I say praise the child when they do well,punish the child when they misbehave. Spankings allowed seasoned with love. Be involved in the child's life. Do these things and they'll grow up fine. The above article is a bunch of psycho-blathering. In my opinion.
1 week ago | Like (66) | Report abuse
Celestiela I know some adults I'd like to be beaten until they learn not to make mistakes. Maybe we'd have fewer in jail, fewer drunk drivers, fewer kids in foster care.
1 week ago | Like (8) | Report abuse
DV67 To paraphrase Bill Cosby....kids don't fear words, they fear pain. A quick little smack on the rear (not a full-on beating) does far more than a lecture for small kids with no attention span.
1 week ago | Like (36) | Report abuse
SylviaM713 In general....I seriously would like to know...." what is a child suppose to learn from a spanking ?" Pain is accompanied with misbehavior? So....when adults do wrong, are they suppose to be beat until they learn not to make mistakes? Come On ! Talk with your mouth, not with your hands! Learn to t... more
In general....I seriously would like to know...." what is a child suppose to learn from a spanking ?" Pain is accompanied with misbehavior? So....when adults do wrong, are they suppose to be beat until they learn not to make mistakes? Come On ! Talk with your mouth, not with your hands! Learn to talk correctly, and the message will be understood...anyone who disagrees, should seriously take in to consideration, who corrects them when they are wrong! less
1 week ago | Like (14) | Report abuse
redflowers No offense, but I think this is how the Anthonys raised Casey and look where that got them. People there is no one way to raise children, each are individuals, but saying that these things leave scars is just silly. As a parent, you do your best and pray...so stop acting like everyone one of us is b... more
No offense, but I think this is how the Anthonys raised Casey and look where that got them. People there is no one way to raise children, each are individuals, but saying that these things leave scars is just silly. As a parent, you do your best and pray...so stop acting like everyone one of us is bad and start helping us! less
1 week ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
Kgotway I am a left wing member of the Y generation and I found myself cringing at a lot of these suggestions. Seriously? You can't say 'you know better' when you child has done the same behavior before? Don't get me wrong there is never a reason to scream at or berate your child, but you are a PARENT an... more
I am a left wing member of the Y generation and I found myself cringing at a lot of these suggestions. Seriously? You can't say 'you know better' when you child has done the same behavior before? Don't get me wrong there is never a reason to scream at or berate your child, but you are a PARENT and they are a child. less
2 weeks ago | Like (26) | Report abuse
Serene1111 I agree. Some of this seems a bit silly to me.
1 week ago | Like (4) | Report abuse
chercheur Asking "okay?" after giving a directive is a practice that bugs me.
2 weeks ago | Like (14) | Report abuse
LAB1 Asking "okay?" after giving a directive makes the situation negotiable when perhaps it is not. NEVER say OKAY?" after you give a command. If anything, the words, "I said get it done!" are more appropriate.
1 week ago | Like (7) | Report abuse Load next 25
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Part of complete coverage onUpbringing
Share this on:Mixx Facebook Twitter Digg delicious reddit MySpace StumbleUpon LinkedIn 9 things you shouldn't say to your child By Paula Spencer, Parenting.com
July 12, 2011 10:40 a.m. EDT
Stop yourself before turning into "Mount Momsuvius" and spewing things you shouldn't say.STORY HIGHLIGHTS
A parent who doesn't crave a break is a saint or someone who's overdue for alone time
Labels like "shy" or "smart" pigeonhole kids and put unnecessary expectations on them
It's natural for parents to compare their kids, but they shouldn't let their child hear them
Spanking has been proven to be an ineffective way to change behavior
RELATED TOPICS
Parenting
Family
(Parenting.com) -- I was trying to do two things at once -- cook (in the kitchen) while deciphering some paperwork (in the next room). I'd been interrupted a thousand times with requests for snacks, shrieks over spilled paint water, questions about what squirrels like to eat, and arguments over whether clouds could be blue and flowers could be green. And did I mention that a ruptured disk in my back was throbbing even worse than my head?
Still, nothing can excuse my behavior that afternoon.
I erupted like Mount Momsuvius: "Enough! Get out! Stop bothering me!"
The look on my daughters' faces said it all. The 2-year-old's eyes widened. The 4-year-old furrowed her brow and jabbed her thumb between her lips. Immediately I wished I could stuff the hot-lava words back into my mouth. They certainly hadn't come from my heart, or my brain.
We all say the wrong thing sometimes, leaving our kids feeling hurt, angry, or confused. Read on for some of the most common verbal missteps moms and dads make, and kinder, gentler alternatives:
'Leave me alone!'
A parent who doesn't crave an occasional break is a saint, a martyr, or someone who's so overdue for some time alone she's forgotten the benefits of recharging.
Trouble is, when you routinely tell your kids, "Don't bother me" or "I'm busy," they internalize that message, says Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D., founder of the Ozark Center for Language Studies, in Huntsville, Arkansas.
"They begin to think there's no point in talking to you because you're always brushing them off." If you set up that pattern when your children are small, then they may be less likely to tell you things as they get older.
From infancy, kids should get in the habit of seeing their parents take time for themselves. Use pressure-release valves -- whether signing up with a babysitting co-op, trading off childcare with your partner or a friend, or even parking your child in front of a video so that you can have half an hour to relax and regroup.
At those times when you're preoccupied (or overstressed, as I was when I exploded at my girls), set up some parameters in advance. I might have said, "Mom has to finish this one thing, so I need you to paint quietly for a few minutes. When I'm done, we'll go outside."
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Just be realistic. A toddler and a preschooler aren't likely to amuse themselves for a whole hour.
'You're so...'
Labels are shortcuts that shortchange kids: "Why are you so mean to Katie?" Or "How could you be such a klutz?" Sometimes kids overhear us talking to others: "She's my shy one."
Young children believe what they hear without question, even when it's about themselves. So negative labels can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thomas gets the message that meanness is his nature. "Klutzy" Sarah begins to think of herself that way, undermining her confidence. Even labels that seem neutral or positive -- "shy" or "smart" -- pigeonhole a child and place unnecessary or inappropriate expectations on her.
The worst ones cut dangerously deep. Many a parent can still vividly, and bitterly, remember when her own parent said something like "You're so hopeless" (or "lazy" or "stupid").
A far better approach is to address the specific behavior and leave the adjectives about your child's personality out of it. For example, "Katie's feelings were hurt when you told everyone not to play with her. How can we make her feel better?"
Parenting.com: How to win over super-stubborn children
'Don't cry'
Variations: "Don't be sad." "Don't be a baby." "Now, now -- there's no reason to be afraid." But kids do get upset enough to cry, especially toddlers, who can't always articulate their feelings with words. They do get sad. They do get frightened.
"It's natural to want to protect a child from such feelings," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., director of Family Support Services at the Mailman Segal Institute for Early Childhood Studies at Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. "But saying 'Don't be' doesn't make a child feel better, and it also can send the message that his emotions aren't valid -- that it's not okay to be sad or scared."
Rather than deny that your child feels a particular way -- when he obviously does -- acknowledge the emotion up front.
"It must make you really sad when Jason says he doesn't want to be your friend anymore." "Yes, the waves sure can be scary when you're not used to them. But we'll just stand here together and let them tickle our feet. I promise I won't let go of your hand."
By naming the real feelings that your child has, you'll give him the words to express himself -- and you'll show him what it means to be empathetic. Ultimately, he'll cry less and describe his emotions instead.
'Why can't you be more like your sister?'
It might seem helpful to hold out a sibling or friend as a shining example. "Look how well Sam zips his coat," you might say. Or "Jenna's using the potty already, so why can't you do that too?" But comparisons almost always backfire. Your child is herself, not Sam or Jenna.
It's natural for parents to compare their kids, to look for a frame of reference about their milestones or their behavior, say experts.
But don't let your child hear you doing it. Kids develop at their own pace and have their own temperament and personality. Comparing your child to someone else implies that you wish yours were different.
Nor does making comparisons help change behavior. Being pressured to do something she's not ready for (or doesn't like to do) can be confusing to a little kid and can undermine her self-confidence. She's also likely to resent you and resolve not to do what you want, in a test of wills.
Parenting.com: How to deal with sibling rivalry
Instead, encourage her current achievements: "Wow, you put both arms in your coat all by yourself!" Or "Thanks for telling me your diaper needs changing."
'You know better than that!'
Like comparisons, quick gibes can sting in ways parents never imagine. For one thing, a child actually may not have known better. Learning is a process of trial and error. Did your child really understand that a heavy pitcher would be hard to pour from? Maybe it didn't seem that full, or it was different from the one he's successfully poured from by himself at preschool.
And even if he made the same mistake just yesterday, your comment is neither productive nor supportive. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, and be specific. Say "I like it better if you do it this way, thank you."
Similar jabs include "I can't believe you did that!" and "It's about time!" They may not seem awful, but you don't want to say them too much. They add up, and the underlying message kids hear is: "You're a pain in the neck, and you never do anything right."
'Stop or I'll give you something to cry about!'
Threats, usually the result of parental frustration, are rarely effective. We sputter warnings like "Do this or else!" or "If you do that one more time, I'll spank you!"
Parenting.com: Why toddlers throw temper tantrums
The problem is that sooner or later you have to make good on the threat or else it loses its power. Threats of hitting have been found to lead to more spanking -- which itself has been proven to be an ineffective way to change behavior.
The younger a child is, the longer it takes for a lesson to sink in. "Studies have shown that the odds of a two-year-old's repeating a misdeed later in the same day are eighty percent no matter what sort of discipline you use," says Murray Straus, Ph.D., a sociologist at the University of New Hampshire's Family Research Lab.
Even with older kids, no discipline strategy yields surefire results right off the bat every time. So it's more effective to develop a repertoire of constructive tactics, such as redirection, removing the child from the situation, or time-outs, than it is to rely on those with proven negative consequences, including verbal threats and spanking.
'Wait till daddy gets home!'
This familiar parenting cliché is not only another kind of threat, it's also diluted discipline. To be effective, you need to take care of a situation immediately yourself.
Discipline that's postponed doesn't connect the consequences with your child's actions. By the time the other parent gets home, it's likely that your child will actually have forgotten what she did wrong. Alternately, the agony of anticipating a punishment may be worse than what the original crime deserved.
Passing the buck to someone else also undermines your authority. "Why should I listen to Mom if she's not going to do anything anyway?" your child may reason. Not least, you're putting your partner in an undeserved bad-cop role.
'Hurry up!'
Who in this world of back-to-back appointments, overbooked schedules, sleep deficits, and traffic snarls hasn't uttered these immortal words?
Certainly every parent whose toddler can't find his shoes or blankie or who's blissfully oblivious of anything but putting on his socks "all by self!" has. Consider, though, your tone of voice when you implore a child to hurry, and how often you say it.
If you're starting to whine, screech, or sigh every day, with your hands on your hips and your toes tapping, beware. There's a tendency when we're rushed to make our kids feel guilty for making us rush. The guilt may make them feel bad, but it doesn't motivate them to move faster.
"It got so hectic at my house in the mornings, I hated that the last image my kids had of me was being angry," says family therapist Paul Coleman, author of "How to Say It to Your Kids." "So I made a pact with myself. No matter what, I wouldn't yell or roll my eyes even if someone spilled their Cheerios or asked me to find something just as we were heading out."
Rather than hectoring ("I told you to turn off that TV five minutes ago!"), he looks for calm ways to speed things along (he turns off the set himself).
'Great job!" or "Good girl!'
What could possibly be wrong with praise? Positive reinforcement, after all, is one of the most effective tools a parent has. The trouble comes in when the praise is vague and indiscriminate.
Tossing out "Great job!" for every little thing your child does -- from finishing his milk to drawing a picture -- becomes meaningless. Kids tune it out. They can also tell the difference between praise for doing something rote or simple and praise for a real effort.
Parenting.com: How to get your kid to sleep in her own bed
To get out of the habit of such effusiveness:
• Praise only those accomplishments that require real effort. Finishing a glass of milk doesn't cut it. Neither does drawing a picture, if your child is the kind who makes dozens of them every day.
• Be specific. Instead of "Beautiful job," say, "What bright, happy colors you picked for the dog's spots." Or "I see you drew a picture of the story that we read this morning."
• Praise the behavior rather than the child: "You were so quiet with your puzzle while I was finishing that paperwork, just like I asked."
How much nicer if I'd said that to my daughters instead of transforming into a spewing volcano. Luckily, I'm sure to get another opportunity tomorrow.
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LAB1 I read this article and saw a coddle session about to start. Come on, folks, children are people with feelings, yes, BUT they must learn how to fit into the world around them, not the world bending and shaping to fit around the individual child. I raised a physically challenged child with cerebral... more
I read this article and saw a coddle session about to start. Come on, folks, children are people with feelings, yes, BUT they must learn how to fit into the world around them, not the world bending and shaping to fit around the individual child. I raised a physically challenged child with cerebral palsey and even he learned how to get a move on it in the morning. Praising children for just breathing is only acceptable to the premature baby who no longer needs a ventilator to breathe. Can you expect and actually get the behaviour you want and need? Yes, it's work. You have to repeat yourself over and over because children will test your endurance. YOU, the parent, must set the parameters around what is acceptable when you must concentrate on getting something done, and if that means putting a crying, screaming two-year-old in a playpen for a period of time, then so be it. Sometimes if you want something done, you have to do it yourself--turn off the television or audio unit; remove the item from your child's hands; physically separate combative children and be prepared to get hit in the process, etc. You are the parent, not the other way around. You control the situation, not the children. less
1 week ago | Like (63) | Report abuse
animaguskatt Ooookay, I'm against spanking and a fan of teaching your child to use their words rather than their fists and all, but this article suggests that we basically treat children like their little psyches are set to crumble at any second. Things like "why can't you be more like your sister" obviously are... more
Ooookay, I'm against spanking and a fan of teaching your child to use their words rather than their fists and all, but this article suggests that we basically treat children like their little psyches are set to crumble at any second. Things like "why can't you be more like your sister" obviously aren't helpful, but I take issue with these:
"Don't cry" -- Yes, this can be used to invalidate a child's emotions which is harmful, but sometimes a child's emotions are WAY over the top for the situation they are in. If they get a nasty boo-boo or their best friend said something really mean, then okay, let them cry some. But if they spilled their milk and start wailing and flailing like their whole world is ending, that's an extreme reaction to a very minor situation that should be corrected.
'You know better than that!' -- Completely disagree with this one. Kids should be taught to trust their own sense of right and wrong, and when we're disappointed in their judgment, they should know it. Children must be taught to self-manage their own behavior in ways that are age-appropriate (and ideally a bit more mature than their current age). We as parents must set expectations, and expect our children to live up to them and understand that our approval of their behavior matters.
'Hurry up!' -- Oh, come on. This is just plain consideration for others. If their dawdling is slowing up the rest of the family, they need to be aware of it so they realize that the entire world doesn't revolve around them. It's part of being a family. Although, greater patience IS required for younger kids, who are still learning how to relate to others.
'Great job!" or "Good girl!' -- Yeah, I don't really see the difference in these particular statements vs. alternatives the author recommended. 'Great job!" or "Good girl!' are often enough the right things to say to encourage compliance and reward good behavior. less
1 week ago | Like (79) | Report abuse
Thinks2010 Rule of thumb: If you wouldn't say it to a co-worker or other adult because you know they would probably ignore you or might even punch you out, don't say it to your child.
1 week ago | Like (40) | Report abuse
Losuca She forgot one! "Just ignore them" When a child is bullied or teased, a parent, teacher, or other person in charge uses the term. It's the wrong thing to say. Just telling a child to ignore the comments, does not help. When a child hears things over and over again, they start to believe it. Tell... more
She forgot one! "Just ignore them" When a child is bullied or teased, a parent, teacher, or other person in charge uses the term. It's the wrong thing to say. Just telling a child to ignore the comments, does not help. When a child hears things over and over again, they start to believe it. Telling them to ignore it sends the wrong message. The correct thing is to help the child realize what the are being told is not true. Reinforcing a positive for the child will help him or her gain self esteem, and then the bully will no longer have any influence what so ever! less
1 week ago | Like (30) | Report abuse
LAB1 I have to agree with you here, because "just ignore it" won't prevent getting physically attacked by the bully. It would be great if the "just ignore it" method got the message across, but it doesn't. Bullies don't how to "just be ignored." Sometimes, bullies learn by only one method--a taste of ... more
I have to agree with you here, because "just ignore it" won't prevent getting physically attacked by the bully. It would be great if the "just ignore it" method got the message across, but it doesn't. Bullies don't how to "just be ignored." Sometimes, bullies learn by only one method--a taste of their own medicine. less
1 week ago | Like (11) | Report abuse
gshickler Place: Disney World Monorail. Happiest place on Earth, right? Time: last week, I think it was Wednesday. Around 2 PM.Scene: Young mother loudly berating her two year old for this and for that. Everyone in the car is either ignoring, cringing or blocking it out with iproduct. Two year old topples. Mo... more
Place: Disney World Monorail. Happiest place on Earth, right?
Time: last week, I think it was Wednesday. Around 2 PM.
Scene: Young mother loudly berating her two year old for this and for that. Everyone in the car is either ignoring, cringing or blocking it out with iproduct. Two year old topples. Mother shouts, "Clumsy! You are SO clumsy! Clumsy, clumsy, clumsy!".
I sit there imagining what I can say. How can I say it? What happens when others tell me to mind my business? I am not strong enough so I tune it out and I imagine something powerful. I suddenly imagine how important CNN could actually be in my vision.
So instead of scrolling the latest news updates regarding violent acts and trials around the world, CNN, how about scrolling parenting tips like this? Positive statements that inform the general public that how each person treats children is collectively important to our world. To ending violence and pain...treat children right. less
1 week ago | Like (24) | Report abuse
Merin This article is ridiculous. We're raising our kids to be in the world and the world is not always nice and polite. Kids need to recognize that parents have limits and feelings, too. Do you yell at them or demean them? No! But don't beat yourself up if you snap once in a while. Apologize, work to do ... more
This article is ridiculous. We're raising our kids to be in the world and the world is not always nice and polite. Kids need to recognize that parents have limits and feelings, too. Do you yell at them or demean them? No! But don't beat yourself up if you snap once in a while. Apologize, work to do better next time, and move on. Oh, and sometimes kids DO "know better than that" it's called being lazy. And kids can be that, too. less
1 week ago | Like (87) | Report abuse
DV67 I totally agree! Now I can't tell my kid to hurry up??? Come on now.
1 week ago | Like (27) | Report abuse
BenDover69 Now we have morons giving more parenting advice to the most over indulged generation in our history. Your kids are world beaters, over achievers and heros. MOST will work 9-5, 40+ hours a week at a job they hate, get divorced, have problems and be chronically AVERAGE. Get over it.
1 week ago | Like (34) | Report abuse
stvnkrs10 Your generation raised them to be that way lol
1 week ago | Like (38) | Report abuse
MKFranz2 I take issue with this article. It sounds to me like a mother who feels guilty for only partially being available for her children. No one can raise children perfectly and phrasing what you say to them to best guard their 'feelings' is silly. The type of mother that falls into this type of thinki... more
I take issue with this article. It sounds to me like a mother who feels guilty for only partially being available for her children. No one can raise children perfectly and phrasing what you say to them to best guard their 'feelings' is silly. The type of mother that falls into this type of thinking is likely (I said likely, not absolutely) to be the kind of mother that wants to be her teenage daughter's best friend, to the detriment of her moral character. But hey, you never know. I love my children, and I am quick to correct them when they do something they should not. It is worse for them to continue on with bad behavior than to allow them to develop bad habits just to avoid hurting their precious little feelings. (by the way, my older kids are very self assured because they know they are not perfect and can handle criticism when the world gives it to them. They also know that I love them, even though I have -gasp- said "not now, I'm busy.") less
1 week ago | Like (25) | Report abuse
zNewsFlash I used to work in the portrait studio. These mom's would come in and their kids would be biting them, scratching at their face, kicking and screaming, tearing the place apart and stomping cheerios into the carpeting. Then they would very quietly say, "Hunnnnny, don't do tha~at." Don't do that either... more
I used to work in the portrait studio. These mom's would come in and their kids would be biting them, scratching at their face, kicking and screaming, tearing the place apart and stomping cheerios into the carpeting. Then they would very quietly say, "Hunnnnny, don't do tha~at." Don't do that either please. That is crazy. For christ sake Discipline them! I see it everywhere all the time in this country. Too many kids with rotten behavior because of their ignorant mothers.
Anyway, when you talk to children, It's all about the tone in your voice, so use it wisely. less
1 week ago | Like (33) | Report abuse
LAB1 The reason why people don't openly discipline their children is that with these new child abuse laws in place, parents are afraid to do what is necessary lest they be called into child protective authorities. If you child cannot behave properly in public, take him/her out of the situation and so th... more
The reason why people don't openly discipline their children is that with these new child abuse laws in place, parents are afraid to do what is necessary lest they be called into child protective authorities. If you child cannot behave properly in public, take him/her out of the situation and so the professional portrait isn't taken that day, oh well. Children learn that their behaviour is not acceptable when they are taken out of a store, restaurant, church, etc. for the running around, bothering other patrons, screaming, crying, touching everything in sight, refusal to sit at the table and eat, etc. less
1 week ago | Like (17) | Report abuse
avoiceof1 Dont tell them you love them if you do not like them . You may not like what they do but if you do not like them as a person or that they are your child at all . Do not just say the words I love you just to say it . This can be more hurtful then not saying anything at all . A child knows . Teac... more
Dont tell them you love them if you do not like them . You may not like what they do but if you do not like them as a person or that they are your child at all . Do not just say the words I love you just to say it . This can be more hurtful then not saying anything at all . A child knows . Teach them what love is . It is not just the words said it is how one is . In this your child will too know how to love others too . less
1 week ago | Like (3) | Report abuse
cpasteve In my opinion, one of the worst things one can say is "That's OK, you did your best." The child grows up thinking that non-performance is acceptable as long as they "try." I once had an employee who honestly thought that someone who tried and failed should receive the same reward as someone who tr... more
In my opinion, one of the worst things one can say is "That's OK, you did your best." The child grows up thinking that non-performance is acceptable as long as they "try." I once had an employee who honestly thought that someone who tried and failed should receive the same reward as someone who tried and succeeded. "You did your best" is the culprit. less
1 week ago | Like (15) | Report abuse
Serene1111 it really depends on the situation. some children do not even try, so encouraging trying is better than lethargy.
1 week ago | Like (8) | Report abuse
patrickdh10 I say praise the child when they do well,punish the child when they misbehave. Spankings allowed seasoned with love. Be involved in the child's life. Do these things and they'll grow up fine. The above article is a bunch of psycho-blathering. In my opinion.
1 week ago | Like (66) | Report abuse
Celestiela I know some adults I'd like to be beaten until they learn not to make mistakes. Maybe we'd have fewer in jail, fewer drunk drivers, fewer kids in foster care.
1 week ago | Like (8) | Report abuse
DV67 To paraphrase Bill Cosby....kids don't fear words, they fear pain. A quick little smack on the rear (not a full-on beating) does far more than a lecture for small kids with no attention span.
1 week ago | Like (36) | Report abuse
SylviaM713 In general....I seriously would like to know...." what is a child suppose to learn from a spanking ?" Pain is accompanied with misbehavior? So....when adults do wrong, are they suppose to be beat until they learn not to make mistakes? Come On ! Talk with your mouth, not with your hands! Learn to t... more
In general....I seriously would like to know...." what is a child suppose to learn from a spanking ?" Pain is accompanied with misbehavior? So....when adults do wrong, are they suppose to be beat until they learn not to make mistakes? Come On ! Talk with your mouth, not with your hands! Learn to talk correctly, and the message will be understood...anyone who disagrees, should seriously take in to consideration, who corrects them when they are wrong! less
1 week ago | Like (14) | Report abuse
redflowers No offense, but I think this is how the Anthonys raised Casey and look where that got them. People there is no one way to raise children, each are individuals, but saying that these things leave scars is just silly. As a parent, you do your best and pray...so stop acting like everyone one of us is b... more
No offense, but I think this is how the Anthonys raised Casey and look where that got them. People there is no one way to raise children, each are individuals, but saying that these things leave scars is just silly. As a parent, you do your best and pray...so stop acting like everyone one of us is bad and start helping us! less
1 week ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
Kgotway I am a left wing member of the Y generation and I found myself cringing at a lot of these suggestions. Seriously? You can't say 'you know better' when you child has done the same behavior before? Don't get me wrong there is never a reason to scream at or berate your child, but you are a PARENT an... more
I am a left wing member of the Y generation and I found myself cringing at a lot of these suggestions. Seriously? You can't say 'you know better' when you child has done the same behavior before? Don't get me wrong there is never a reason to scream at or berate your child, but you are a PARENT and they are a child. less
2 weeks ago | Like (26) | Report abuse
Serene1111 I agree. Some of this seems a bit silly to me.
1 week ago | Like (4) | Report abuse
chercheur Asking "okay?" after giving a directive is a practice that bugs me.
2 weeks ago | Like (14) | Report abuse
LAB1 Asking "okay?" after giving a directive makes the situation negotiable when perhaps it is not. NEVER say OKAY?" after you give a command. If anything, the words, "I said get it done!" are more appropriate.
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Tuesday, July 26, 2011
How to negotiate with your kids?
http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/26/negotiating.with.kids/index.html?hpt=hp_bn8
EDITION: U.S.INTERNATIONALMÉXICOSet edition preferenceSign upLog in HomeVideoNewsPulseU.S.WorldPoliticsJusticeEntertainmentTechHealthLivingTravelOpinioniReportMoneySportsFeedback
Part of complete coverage onUpbringing
Share this on:Mixx Facebook Twitter Digg delicious reddit MySpace StumbleUpon LinkedIn How to negotiate with your kidsBy Katia Hetter, Special to CNNJuly 26, 2011 8:36 a.m. EDT
Negotiating with children may drive parents crazy, but it's a valuable skill for kids to learn.STORY HIGHLIGHTS
Katia Hetter offers tips for teaching your child the art of negotiation
Children tend to show signs of negotiation skills as early as 3 years old
Helping teens negotiate teaches them empathy and self-awareness
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(CNN) -- "I can't watch TV without my pajamas!"
I should be reading the last of three bedtime stories to my 3-year-old before I sing the three songs that usually send her to sleepyland. No more than three. That's the deal. But I have to make a last-minute work call at 8:30 p.m. I start playing an episode of "Yo Gabba Gabba," her favorite commercial-free program. It usually guarantees me 20 minutes of work time, but it's not working.
What's with the demand for pajamas? My child never wants to put on her pajamas because that means bedtime.
"We'll put on PJs after the shows," I say.
You'd never guess I got an A in my negotiation class at Harvard Kennedy School. I successfully negotiated the finer points of international treaties with classmates from the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. military and the bureaucrats from various foreign governments on my way to a master's degree in public policy.
"Two shows!" counters my child.
I can't afford to have her howling during my phone call. The kid wins this round.
As desperate as I felt that night, I brag to my friends about her ability to size up the power dynamic in two seconds and negotiate at a pretty advanced level. (Never mind that we went to bed as soon as the call was done. I read her a lot more books and sang a lot more songs that night. I owed her.)
Parenting.com: 9 things you shouldn't say to your child
I know my situation isn't special. Little children can debate every bite of dinner, trip to the potty, the length of any play date, how much soap to use in the tub, how many books to read and songs to sing at bedtime and if bedtime is even a good idea. It's the nitpicking around those everyday tasks that can drive parents crazy and make us less likely to want to negotiate anything.
As children get older, what they want causes parents even more anxiety: more television time to absorb popular culture's cavalier attitudes about sex and violence, more computer time to talk with who-knows-who, more freedom to go places without parents, and eventually freedom to date and drive and all the activities that will drive me to distraction.
Despite my late-night failure, I know I must teach my kid to negotiate. I know if I don't teach my child to think for herself, she won't be able to make big decisions as she gets older.
From my time working with teenagers in a nonprofit youth program, I saw the consequences of kids who hadn't been given the chance to debate different decisions and pick the best one or learn from their mistakes. If they don't know how to decide what they want and figure out how to get it, they'll follow whichever music celebrity or local teenager is cool in their eyes -- and that could mean getting drunk or using drugs, having unsafe sex or worse.
"Negotiating is important for all kids in an age appropriate way and if you offer your children choices, they're going to inevitably make some mistakes they'll later regret," says Alina Tugend, author of "Better By Mistake: the Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong." "It's often very hard for parents to give up the control not just of making the decision for their child, but also to let them make a decision that they think is wrong. But it's the only way children will learn."
Smartphone danger: Distracted parenting
Here are some tips to start teaching your kids the fine art of negotiation.
Don't fear making mistakes. Just get started. Any good negotiator knows that you can simply say, "I'm sorry I was wrong. You can't have three gallons of ice cream before dinner." You can also change your mind if your child doesn't honor their side of the negotiation. Your kids will be glad you respected them enough to listen to their opinions, even if you end up saying "No." (And any good negotiation can end with a "No.")
It's not optional. Children with authoritarian parents who don't allow children to negotiate anything grow up overly compliant or overly disruptive, and children with overly permissive parents don't learn negotiation because they get what they want anyway, says Julie Braungart-Rieker, a psychology professor and director of the University of Notre Dame's Center for Children & Families.
"Either situation can create an anxiety provoking environment because kids like rules and consistency," she says. "It's more calming and secure when there are rules that make sense and children know where those boundaries are."
Offer choices early. Children tend to show signs of negotiation skills as early as 3 years old. Yet parents can teach children as young as 1 to make choices with close-ended options such as "Do you want the blue or red T-shirt for school?" and "Do you want the apple or orange for snack?"
"Kids develop a sense of pride in being able to have that kind of control," says Braungart-Rieker. "Especially as they start interacting with peers in preschool, there's a lot of negotiation over snacks and toys. Kids who are better at those skills tend to flourish in this setting."
Offer a way out. When we first started attending religious services in our new town, I insisted that my kid dress up a little. We were going to look a little nicer than her usual tie dye/jean shorts combination and my tank top/yoga pants look. She didn't want to dress up but agreed to do so when I offered to let her wear whatever she wanted when we got home. As soon as we arrived back at the house, she walked to her room and put on a very dull brown shirt/shorts combo. I was impressed she had remembered. And when I later figured out the casual atmosphere at services, I let her return to her tie dye combo.
Ask for help. My daughter didn't care to wear her glasses when she first started needing them at age 2. Flossing wasn't fun either when the dentist introduced the task last month. I asked her doctor and dentist to speak to her directly about what she needed to do. I asked our sitter to tell her how great she looked in her glasses (and it was true -- she looked fabulous) and what a grownup job flossing can be. (That one is a stretch but I think it's working.)
Know your limits. No way you're going to negotiate over car seats or seat belts or ice cream for dinner. However, some kids eventually become old enough to negotiate tasks that must be done but can be done with some flexibility, like when they can do their homework.
"A lot of that depends on the child," says Jason Gold, a psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice who also works with families and children at the Pacella Parent Child Center in Manhattan. "Does your child come home with lots of energy and can jump into work? Or is he worn out from school needing some down time and can get to homework later?"
Explain the rules. Explanations about the rules can be teachable moments, even if the rules are non-negotiable. Even small children can understand that the car can't move unless everyone is buckled in. Older children can understand the more serious consequences of not wearing a seat belt.
"However, the parents need to be in some degree of control while allowing a child to explore and have fun with their new verbal and cognitive skills," Gold says. "If you don't buy me this toy then I scream, then it's more emotional blackmail than negotiation."
Bedtime story: Go the bleep to sleep
Give older kids more flexibility. Author Tugend's 12-year-old son recently wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie at midnight. She gave him permission if he figured out a way to get home at 2 a.m. He proposed walking from the neighborhood theater, which she thought was a bad idea.
"I told him if he could find a way -- a friend's parent or an older sibling -- he could go," she says. "That way I wasn't just saying no or yes, but setting certain parameters and telling him he needed to figure out how to, as a friend of mine says, let me say yes."
It's especially important for teens. Teens can be pretty self-absorbed as they figure out who they are and what they want in life. Helping them negotiate teaches them empathy and self-awareness, seeing the situation from the other person's perspective and acknowledging their own contributions to the disagreement.
"Empathy, working effectively with others and self-knowledge are critical skills for success in the workplace and all other social settings -- like schools and families," says Keith Hefner, my former boss at Youth Communication in New York. "When teens don't have these skills it leads to black and white thinking: I'm right, you're wrong; digging in one's heels instead of addressing the problem."
As teens learn to negotiate, they learn the reasons for a rule like a curfew: Parents are anxious about their children's safety, about other people driving drunk or any number of issues.
"When teens learn that there are things they can do to reduce their parents' anxiety, such as calling in, they learn they can negotiate a later curfew," says Hefner. "When teens participate in a negotiation over curfew, it can help parents to see that their child is older and more capable than they imagined."
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Bobby62 I think the word "negotiating" is a poor chioce of vocabulary, she used. Giving a little room to our kids, specially the older ones can be a healthy thing. But let's don't mistake that with not following the rules. She is negotianing with a 3 year old over bed-time ... Give me a break.
35 minutes ago | Like | Report abuse
dinkster Negotiate with them? No. Explain to them your reasoning? Yes. This article is perfect advise to create a slew of neo-generation Lindsay Lohans.
2 hours ago | Like (2) | Report abuse
ElfOdin Negotiate with your kids! No way! Fire the tear gas through the front window and storm the house!
2 hours ago | Like (1) | Report abuse
tokyomom Permissive parenting and self aggrandizement at its worst. More TV instead of bedtime? The answer should be a firm "No" every time and the 3 year old will learn that rules are rules. Obviously children should be given leeway as they get older, but letting a 12 year old see a movie at midnight to tea... more
Permissive parenting and self aggrandizement at its worst. More TV instead of bedtime? The answer should be a firm "No" every time and the 3 year old will learn that rules are rules. Obviously children should be given leeway as they get older, but letting a 12 year old see a movie at midnight to teach him a way to find options? Please. Parents, be firm especially when it comes to safety and health. I have a hard enough time with my kids as it is without a growing community of "entitled" playmates who brag about getting around their parents' rules. Especially if that parent had an "A" in negotiation at Harvard. less
2 hours ago | Like (7) | Report abuse
Bobby62 @tokyomom ; As a father, I am with you on this one. Sometimes parents forget our main job is to prepare the kids to go on their own and become productive members of the commiunity.
42 minutes ago | Like | Report abuse
Icandobetter OMG! Parents making deals with kids?
Boy I thought we were weak, but didn't know it was this bad.
3 hours ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
lazurite Parents are in charge and nothing is up for negotiation. What Mom or Dad says is the final answer. Period.
4 hours ago | Like (11) | Report abuse
SouthBeech "Little children can debate every bite of dinner, trip to the potty, the length of any play date, how much soap to use in the tub, how many books to read... " Only if you let them. In short, "don't". Choices, yes but within reason. Debating, no. When Mom or Dad makes the call, that's that. It's call... more
"Little children can debate every bite of dinner, trip to the potty, the
length of any play date, how much soap to use in the tub, how many books
to read... " Only if you let them. In short, "don't". Choices, yes but within reason. Debating, no. When Mom or Dad makes the call, that's that. It's called "effective parenting". less
4 hours ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
hxj0bow How to negotiate with your kidsYou don't, period, end of discussion. Any parent who does is a fool. Children need the security of known limits, They well prob the boundaries and if they find them movable they will keep pushing till they find something solid. Set a reasonable age appropriate limit a... more
How to negotiate with your kids
You don't, period, end of discussion. Any parent who does is a fool. Children need the security of known limits, They well prob the boundaries and if they find them movable they will keep pushing till they find something solid. Set a reasonable age appropriate limit and keep it. If a tantrum ensues and you cave in they have learned that you have no spine and that you are NOT in charge. You are supposedly the adult in the situation, act like one. less
4 hours ago | Like (7) | Report abuse
lion777 It's a little thing called consistency. When you're child is born you should be smart enough to maintain a bench mark of how things are. There's no negotiating involved. A child is exactly that, a child. They haven't any life experience to reference. Nor is it your job to be their buddy. A parent is... more
It's a little thing called consistency. When you're child is born you should be smart enough to maintain a bench mark of how things are. There's no negotiating involved. A child is exactly that, a child. They haven't any life experience to reference. Nor is it your job to be their buddy. A parent is their to instill within their child the moral compass they need in life. To teach them how we interact with each other in the world outside with respect. Provide an example of self-accountability. That we do standard maintenance before we play, i.e. pickup your room, take out the trash, do the dishes. Teaching them how to be grown up. (Goes to show how many 'adults' NEVER got that..SAD) THAT is what parents are SUPPOSED to be doing. But no. They'd rather try to be their kids pal. Or get them into the activities they WISH they had done when they were a kid. Children need a few simple things. Love, patients, proper diet, right amount of sleep, read to them when they're young in the hope they'll find the enjoyment of reading, play outside for fresh air and exercise... The problem is apparently a whole lot of Americans' were raised by morons. Thanks to all the psycho-babble that surfaced in the 60's, 70's, and 80's. less
4 hours ago | Like (3) | Report abuse
hewhoseeks Oh my. More weak parenting advice.This is worrisome. Children are most comfortable when there are limits and rules that are consistent. Negotiating with rules is not a good idea. There are areas that might be okay to negotiate such as, "Could I have a smaller helping of lima beans?" If the kid hates... more
Oh my. More weak parenting advice.
This is worrisome.
Children are most comfortable when there are limits and rules that are consistent. Negotiating with rules is not a good idea. There are areas that might be okay to negotiate such as, "Could I have a smaller helping of lima beans?" If the kid hates limas but you want them to at least eat a few, okay. That is not bending a household rule.
When this precious little girl becomes a precious little teenager there will be a need for rules that are strictly adhered to or she will become a precocious teenager and the parents will be in a world of misery. less
4 hours ago | Like (4) | Report abuse
ThatsItFolks Negotiating Skills??????Your the parent, act like one. Don't put the responsibility all on your children's shoulders.Your children look at you for guidance and direction. Anything else and they see you really don't care about being responsible for their child hood development.They are not mature eno... more
Negotiating Skills??????
Your the parent, act like one. Don't put the responsibility all on your children's shoulders.Your children look at you for guidance and direction. Anything else and they see you really don't care about being responsible for their child hood development.
They are not mature enough to have had life's experiences to be able to make a decision for their long term best interest. less
4 hours ago | Like (2) | Report abuse
ithinkk This is the problem with so many children now days....parents letting the kids make the choices. There shouldn't be any negotiating, the parents should make the rules and ENFORCE them.
4 hours ago | Like (5) | Report abuse
forcryingout you don't negotiate with terrorists. Kids aren't stupid, they know that when you cave in to their demands , or negotiate with them , they have the upper hand. If the issue is important, you don't ask your 3 year old daughter ,you tell her to do as she is told. Families aren't democracies , they are ... more
you don't negotiate with terrorists. Kids aren't stupid, they know that when you cave in to their demands , or negotiate with them , they have the upper hand. If the issue is important, you don't ask your 3 year old daughter ,you tell her to do as she is told. Families aren't democracies , they are dictatorships. You as the parents are sole rulers , and your kids are subjects. This is the message you should send your kids... less
5 hours ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
SouthBeech @Ents: If he did, from what I've seen in public too much of the time he's right.
4 hours ago | Like (2) | Report abuse
Ents Did you just compare kids to terrorists?
5 hours ago | Like (4) | Report abuse
sonic10158 In california, the government will do it for the parents
5 hours ago | Like (1) | Report abuse
PrairieGhost "When teens don't have these skills it leads to black and white thinking: I'm right, you're wrong; digging in one's heels instead of addressing the problem." --and then they grow up and go into politics! :D
6 hours ago | Like (3) | Report abuse
anInfidel Negotiating? Um, no. Problem one is "I have to make a last-minute work call at 8:30 p.m." No you don't. You're trying to have it all, so you kid gets less than. And your 3-year-old ought to be asleep by 8.
6 hours ago | Like (10) | Report abuse
Halfbajan This is what's wrong with our country. Letting your kid have a reasonable say in what they eat or wear isn't negotiation. Having to bargain with someone 2 feet tall over bedtime is ridiculous. You're the parent, they're the kid so you get to make the rules. If they break the rules, you enforce them ... more
This is what's wrong with our country. Letting your kid have a reasonable say in what they eat or wear isn't negotiation. Having to bargain with someone 2 feet tall over bedtime is ridiculous. You're the parent, they're the kid so you get to make the rules. If they break the rules, you enforce them in a loving but firm way. When they're the parent they can make the rules. Deal with it!! less
6 hours ago | Like (25) | Report abuse
2nova Although many of the points the author makes are fine sound bites culled from decades of work in child development, (not her own Great Thoughts”, she’s hung up on the high-sounding term, “negotiating”. Clearly this makes her feel very smart - but I detect a strong note of helplessness as well. Tha... more
Although many of the points the author makes are fine sound bites culled from decades of work in child development, (not her own Great Thoughts”, she’s hung up on the high-sounding term, “negotiating”. Clearly this makes her feel very smart - but I detect a strong note of helplessness as well. That’s because “negotiating” with a 3-year old is really “bribery”. What the child is likely to take away from this is that if she is recalcitrant enough, she’ll get paid off to do what Mommy wants. It’s raising your kid to be rather cold and calculating, disinclined to do what’s right, or what others wish unless there’s some pay off for her.
Some people may think that’s OK. But they may find their kid to be lacking in empathy and compassion later on.
It’s fine to let kids have choices, but it won’t teach them critical thinking unless the parent is willing to let their bad choice play out.
And children need to understand that sometimes they must do things, like let Mommy work, because if they don’t, there are consequences for all. No work, no money, no treats for anyone. In another example, you don’t get your kid to care for his/her pet in return for something - rather, you work to instill compassion and love for the pet in the child and help them to understand that if the pet becomes ill for lack of care, that that is a shameful thing.
(I’m not advocating using pets as training tools, it’s just an illustration of a dynamic that I have seen at least 5 times in the last few years, kids who “negotiate” things with Mommy and Daddy just shrug their shoulders, or laugh when the bunnies or goats or kittens die. What do they care? They got their payoff - daily responsibility and compassion cannot be negotiated)
Negotiation should be a distant fourth life strategy behind developing a childs sense of responsibility, place within the family, and love for others. less
6 hours ago | Like (8) | Report abuse
Guest Type your comment here.Negotiating with children - are you kidding me. It is not a democracy. Children are expected to what they are told. They have every right to have an opinion - but remember that is all it is an opinion. Until the time that I am dribbling on a bib and stuck in a wheelchair I am ... more
Type your comment here.Negotiating with children - are you kidding me. It is not a democracy. Children are expected to what they are told. They have every right to have an opinion - but remember that is all it is an opinion. Until the time that I am dribbling on a bib and stuck in a wheelchair I am the top of the food chain. I would like to mention that I successfully raised three young men who are very happy in their lives and I do not for one minute think I took anything away from them by not Negotiating. less
7 hours ago | Like (16) | Report abuse
Thibby I was born in 1989, so that extra year gives me the knowledge to know this whole article is garbage for some reason. My mother never negotiated with me. I argue with her? I got a wooden spoon. I can tell you right now, that if the world revolved around me? I wouldn't have gotten such spoonage to my ... more
I was born in 1989, so that extra year gives me the knowledge to know this whole article is garbage for some reason.
My mother never negotiated with me. I argue with her? I got a wooden spoon. I can tell you right now, that if the world revolved around me? I wouldn't have gotten such spoonage to my behind. However, the world doesn't revolve around me, and getting a good thwack to the back proved that quite often until I shaped right up. less
7 hours ago | Like (13) | Report abuse
moiraesfate OMG, so your answer to kids behaving badly is to negotiate with them. Thats idiotic. They're children. There is no negotiation. They're kids. They do what they're told or they get punished. Period. Stop kissing kids butts. You're trying to raise good productive members of society not whiny babies.
7 hours ago | Like (20) | Report abuse
moiraesfate Oh and btw, I'm only 35. I'm sick to death watching the way parents don't parent nowadays, instead they want to be their childs friend, and then we get things like school shootings and bullying.
7 hours ago | Like (10) | Report abuse Load next 25 | View all comments
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Part of complete coverage onUpbringing
Share this on:Mixx Facebook Twitter Digg delicious reddit MySpace StumbleUpon LinkedIn How to negotiate with your kidsBy Katia Hetter, Special to CNNJuly 26, 2011 8:36 a.m. EDT
Negotiating with children may drive parents crazy, but it's a valuable skill for kids to learn.STORY HIGHLIGHTS
Katia Hetter offers tips for teaching your child the art of negotiation
Children tend to show signs of negotiation skills as early as 3 years old
Helping teens negotiate teaches them empathy and self-awareness
RELATED TOPICS
Parenting
Family
(CNN) -- "I can't watch TV without my pajamas!"
I should be reading the last of three bedtime stories to my 3-year-old before I sing the three songs that usually send her to sleepyland. No more than three. That's the deal. But I have to make a last-minute work call at 8:30 p.m. I start playing an episode of "Yo Gabba Gabba," her favorite commercial-free program. It usually guarantees me 20 minutes of work time, but it's not working.
What's with the demand for pajamas? My child never wants to put on her pajamas because that means bedtime.
"We'll put on PJs after the shows," I say.
You'd never guess I got an A in my negotiation class at Harvard Kennedy School. I successfully negotiated the finer points of international treaties with classmates from the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. military and the bureaucrats from various foreign governments on my way to a master's degree in public policy.
"Two shows!" counters my child.
I can't afford to have her howling during my phone call. The kid wins this round.
As desperate as I felt that night, I brag to my friends about her ability to size up the power dynamic in two seconds and negotiate at a pretty advanced level. (Never mind that we went to bed as soon as the call was done. I read her a lot more books and sang a lot more songs that night. I owed her.)
Parenting.com: 9 things you shouldn't say to your child
I know my situation isn't special. Little children can debate every bite of dinner, trip to the potty, the length of any play date, how much soap to use in the tub, how many books to read and songs to sing at bedtime and if bedtime is even a good idea. It's the nitpicking around those everyday tasks that can drive parents crazy and make us less likely to want to negotiate anything.
As children get older, what they want causes parents even more anxiety: more television time to absorb popular culture's cavalier attitudes about sex and violence, more computer time to talk with who-knows-who, more freedom to go places without parents, and eventually freedom to date and drive and all the activities that will drive me to distraction.
Despite my late-night failure, I know I must teach my kid to negotiate. I know if I don't teach my child to think for herself, she won't be able to make big decisions as she gets older.
From my time working with teenagers in a nonprofit youth program, I saw the consequences of kids who hadn't been given the chance to debate different decisions and pick the best one or learn from their mistakes. If they don't know how to decide what they want and figure out how to get it, they'll follow whichever music celebrity or local teenager is cool in their eyes -- and that could mean getting drunk or using drugs, having unsafe sex or worse.
"Negotiating is important for all kids in an age appropriate way and if you offer your children choices, they're going to inevitably make some mistakes they'll later regret," says Alina Tugend, author of "Better By Mistake: the Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong." "It's often very hard for parents to give up the control not just of making the decision for their child, but also to let them make a decision that they think is wrong. But it's the only way children will learn."
Smartphone danger: Distracted parenting
Here are some tips to start teaching your kids the fine art of negotiation.
Don't fear making mistakes. Just get started. Any good negotiator knows that you can simply say, "I'm sorry I was wrong. You can't have three gallons of ice cream before dinner." You can also change your mind if your child doesn't honor their side of the negotiation. Your kids will be glad you respected them enough to listen to their opinions, even if you end up saying "No." (And any good negotiation can end with a "No.")
It's not optional. Children with authoritarian parents who don't allow children to negotiate anything grow up overly compliant or overly disruptive, and children with overly permissive parents don't learn negotiation because they get what they want anyway, says Julie Braungart-Rieker, a psychology professor and director of the University of Notre Dame's Center for Children & Families.
"Either situation can create an anxiety provoking environment because kids like rules and consistency," she says. "It's more calming and secure when there are rules that make sense and children know where those boundaries are."
Offer choices early. Children tend to show signs of negotiation skills as early as 3 years old. Yet parents can teach children as young as 1 to make choices with close-ended options such as "Do you want the blue or red T-shirt for school?" and "Do you want the apple or orange for snack?"
"Kids develop a sense of pride in being able to have that kind of control," says Braungart-Rieker. "Especially as they start interacting with peers in preschool, there's a lot of negotiation over snacks and toys. Kids who are better at those skills tend to flourish in this setting."
Offer a way out. When we first started attending religious services in our new town, I insisted that my kid dress up a little. We were going to look a little nicer than her usual tie dye/jean shorts combination and my tank top/yoga pants look. She didn't want to dress up but agreed to do so when I offered to let her wear whatever she wanted when we got home. As soon as we arrived back at the house, she walked to her room and put on a very dull brown shirt/shorts combo. I was impressed she had remembered. And when I later figured out the casual atmosphere at services, I let her return to her tie dye combo.
Ask for help. My daughter didn't care to wear her glasses when she first started needing them at age 2. Flossing wasn't fun either when the dentist introduced the task last month. I asked her doctor and dentist to speak to her directly about what she needed to do. I asked our sitter to tell her how great she looked in her glasses (and it was true -- she looked fabulous) and what a grownup job flossing can be. (That one is a stretch but I think it's working.)
Know your limits. No way you're going to negotiate over car seats or seat belts or ice cream for dinner. However, some kids eventually become old enough to negotiate tasks that must be done but can be done with some flexibility, like when they can do their homework.
"A lot of that depends on the child," says Jason Gold, a psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice who also works with families and children at the Pacella Parent Child Center in Manhattan. "Does your child come home with lots of energy and can jump into work? Or is he worn out from school needing some down time and can get to homework later?"
Explain the rules. Explanations about the rules can be teachable moments, even if the rules are non-negotiable. Even small children can understand that the car can't move unless everyone is buckled in. Older children can understand the more serious consequences of not wearing a seat belt.
"However, the parents need to be in some degree of control while allowing a child to explore and have fun with their new verbal and cognitive skills," Gold says. "If you don't buy me this toy then I scream, then it's more emotional blackmail than negotiation."
Bedtime story: Go the bleep to sleep
Give older kids more flexibility. Author Tugend's 12-year-old son recently wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie at midnight. She gave him permission if he figured out a way to get home at 2 a.m. He proposed walking from the neighborhood theater, which she thought was a bad idea.
"I told him if he could find a way -- a friend's parent or an older sibling -- he could go," she says. "That way I wasn't just saying no or yes, but setting certain parameters and telling him he needed to figure out how to, as a friend of mine says, let me say yes."
It's especially important for teens. Teens can be pretty self-absorbed as they figure out who they are and what they want in life. Helping them negotiate teaches them empathy and self-awareness, seeing the situation from the other person's perspective and acknowledging their own contributions to the disagreement.
"Empathy, working effectively with others and self-knowledge are critical skills for success in the workplace and all other social settings -- like schools and families," says Keith Hefner, my former boss at Youth Communication in New York. "When teens don't have these skills it leads to black and white thinking: I'm right, you're wrong; digging in one's heels instead of addressing the problem."
As teens learn to negotiate, they learn the reasons for a rule like a curfew: Parents are anxious about their children's safety, about other people driving drunk or any number of issues.
"When teens learn that there are things they can do to reduce their parents' anxiety, such as calling in, they learn they can negotiate a later curfew," says Hefner. "When teens participate in a negotiation over curfew, it can help parents to see that their child is older and more capable than they imagined."
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Bobby62 I think the word "negotiating" is a poor chioce of vocabulary, she used. Giving a little room to our kids, specially the older ones can be a healthy thing. But let's don't mistake that with not following the rules. She is negotianing with a 3 year old over bed-time ... Give me a break.
35 minutes ago | Like | Report abuse
dinkster Negotiate with them? No. Explain to them your reasoning? Yes. This article is perfect advise to create a slew of neo-generation Lindsay Lohans.
2 hours ago | Like (2) | Report abuse
ElfOdin Negotiate with your kids! No way! Fire the tear gas through the front window and storm the house!
2 hours ago | Like (1) | Report abuse
tokyomom Permissive parenting and self aggrandizement at its worst. More TV instead of bedtime? The answer should be a firm "No" every time and the 3 year old will learn that rules are rules. Obviously children should be given leeway as they get older, but letting a 12 year old see a movie at midnight to tea... more
Permissive parenting and self aggrandizement at its worst. More TV instead of bedtime? The answer should be a firm "No" every time and the 3 year old will learn that rules are rules. Obviously children should be given leeway as they get older, but letting a 12 year old see a movie at midnight to teach him a way to find options? Please. Parents, be firm especially when it comes to safety and health. I have a hard enough time with my kids as it is without a growing community of "entitled" playmates who brag about getting around their parents' rules. Especially if that parent had an "A" in negotiation at Harvard. less
2 hours ago | Like (7) | Report abuse
Bobby62 @tokyomom ; As a father, I am with you on this one. Sometimes parents forget our main job is to prepare the kids to go on their own and become productive members of the commiunity.
42 minutes ago | Like | Report abuse
Icandobetter OMG! Parents making deals with kids?
Boy I thought we were weak, but didn't know it was this bad.
3 hours ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
lazurite Parents are in charge and nothing is up for negotiation. What Mom or Dad says is the final answer. Period.
4 hours ago | Like (11) | Report abuse
SouthBeech "Little children can debate every bite of dinner, trip to the potty, the length of any play date, how much soap to use in the tub, how many books to read... " Only if you let them. In short, "don't". Choices, yes but within reason. Debating, no. When Mom or Dad makes the call, that's that. It's call... more
"Little children can debate every bite of dinner, trip to the potty, the
length of any play date, how much soap to use in the tub, how many books
to read... " Only if you let them. In short, "don't". Choices, yes but within reason. Debating, no. When Mom or Dad makes the call, that's that. It's called "effective parenting". less
4 hours ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
hxj0bow How to negotiate with your kidsYou don't, period, end of discussion. Any parent who does is a fool. Children need the security of known limits, They well prob the boundaries and if they find them movable they will keep pushing till they find something solid. Set a reasonable age appropriate limit a... more
How to negotiate with your kids
You don't, period, end of discussion. Any parent who does is a fool. Children need the security of known limits, They well prob the boundaries and if they find them movable they will keep pushing till they find something solid. Set a reasonable age appropriate limit and keep it. If a tantrum ensues and you cave in they have learned that you have no spine and that you are NOT in charge. You are supposedly the adult in the situation, act like one. less
4 hours ago | Like (7) | Report abuse
lion777 It's a little thing called consistency. When you're child is born you should be smart enough to maintain a bench mark of how things are. There's no negotiating involved. A child is exactly that, a child. They haven't any life experience to reference. Nor is it your job to be their buddy. A parent is... more
It's a little thing called consistency. When you're child is born you should be smart enough to maintain a bench mark of how things are. There's no negotiating involved. A child is exactly that, a child. They haven't any life experience to reference. Nor is it your job to be their buddy. A parent is their to instill within their child the moral compass they need in life. To teach them how we interact with each other in the world outside with respect. Provide an example of self-accountability. That we do standard maintenance before we play, i.e. pickup your room, take out the trash, do the dishes. Teaching them how to be grown up. (Goes to show how many 'adults' NEVER got that..SAD) THAT is what parents are SUPPOSED to be doing. But no. They'd rather try to be their kids pal. Or get them into the activities they WISH they had done when they were a kid. Children need a few simple things. Love, patients, proper diet, right amount of sleep, read to them when they're young in the hope they'll find the enjoyment of reading, play outside for fresh air and exercise... The problem is apparently a whole lot of Americans' were raised by morons. Thanks to all the psycho-babble that surfaced in the 60's, 70's, and 80's. less
4 hours ago | Like (3) | Report abuse
hewhoseeks Oh my. More weak parenting advice.This is worrisome. Children are most comfortable when there are limits and rules that are consistent. Negotiating with rules is not a good idea. There are areas that might be okay to negotiate such as, "Could I have a smaller helping of lima beans?" If the kid hates... more
Oh my. More weak parenting advice.
This is worrisome.
Children are most comfortable when there are limits and rules that are consistent. Negotiating with rules is not a good idea. There are areas that might be okay to negotiate such as, "Could I have a smaller helping of lima beans?" If the kid hates limas but you want them to at least eat a few, okay. That is not bending a household rule.
When this precious little girl becomes a precious little teenager there will be a need for rules that are strictly adhered to or she will become a precocious teenager and the parents will be in a world of misery. less
4 hours ago | Like (4) | Report abuse
ThatsItFolks Negotiating Skills??????Your the parent, act like one. Don't put the responsibility all on your children's shoulders.Your children look at you for guidance and direction. Anything else and they see you really don't care about being responsible for their child hood development.They are not mature eno... more
Negotiating Skills??????
Your the parent, act like one. Don't put the responsibility all on your children's shoulders.Your children look at you for guidance and direction. Anything else and they see you really don't care about being responsible for their child hood development.
They are not mature enough to have had life's experiences to be able to make a decision for their long term best interest. less
4 hours ago | Like (2) | Report abuse
ithinkk This is the problem with so many children now days....parents letting the kids make the choices. There shouldn't be any negotiating, the parents should make the rules and ENFORCE them.
4 hours ago | Like (5) | Report abuse
forcryingout you don't negotiate with terrorists. Kids aren't stupid, they know that when you cave in to their demands , or negotiate with them , they have the upper hand. If the issue is important, you don't ask your 3 year old daughter ,you tell her to do as she is told. Families aren't democracies , they are ... more
you don't negotiate with terrorists. Kids aren't stupid, they know that when you cave in to their demands , or negotiate with them , they have the upper hand. If the issue is important, you don't ask your 3 year old daughter ,you tell her to do as she is told. Families aren't democracies , they are dictatorships. You as the parents are sole rulers , and your kids are subjects. This is the message you should send your kids... less
5 hours ago | Like (6) | Report abuse
SouthBeech @Ents: If he did, from what I've seen in public too much of the time he's right.
4 hours ago | Like (2) | Report abuse
Ents Did you just compare kids to terrorists?
5 hours ago | Like (4) | Report abuse
sonic10158 In california, the government will do it for the parents
5 hours ago | Like (1) | Report abuse
PrairieGhost "When teens don't have these skills it leads to black and white thinking: I'm right, you're wrong; digging in one's heels instead of addressing the problem." --and then they grow up and go into politics! :D
6 hours ago | Like (3) | Report abuse
anInfidel Negotiating? Um, no. Problem one is "I have to make a last-minute work call at 8:30 p.m." No you don't. You're trying to have it all, so you kid gets less than. And your 3-year-old ought to be asleep by 8.
6 hours ago | Like (10) | Report abuse
Halfbajan This is what's wrong with our country. Letting your kid have a reasonable say in what they eat or wear isn't negotiation. Having to bargain with someone 2 feet tall over bedtime is ridiculous. You're the parent, they're the kid so you get to make the rules. If they break the rules, you enforce them ... more
This is what's wrong with our country. Letting your kid have a reasonable say in what they eat or wear isn't negotiation. Having to bargain with someone 2 feet tall over bedtime is ridiculous. You're the parent, they're the kid so you get to make the rules. If they break the rules, you enforce them in a loving but firm way. When they're the parent they can make the rules. Deal with it!! less
6 hours ago | Like (25) | Report abuse
2nova Although many of the points the author makes are fine sound bites culled from decades of work in child development, (not her own Great Thoughts”, she’s hung up on the high-sounding term, “negotiating”. Clearly this makes her feel very smart - but I detect a strong note of helplessness as well. Tha... more
Although many of the points the author makes are fine sound bites culled from decades of work in child development, (not her own Great Thoughts”, she’s hung up on the high-sounding term, “negotiating”. Clearly this makes her feel very smart - but I detect a strong note of helplessness as well. That’s because “negotiating” with a 3-year old is really “bribery”. What the child is likely to take away from this is that if she is recalcitrant enough, she’ll get paid off to do what Mommy wants. It’s raising your kid to be rather cold and calculating, disinclined to do what’s right, or what others wish unless there’s some pay off for her.
Some people may think that’s OK. But they may find their kid to be lacking in empathy and compassion later on.
It’s fine to let kids have choices, but it won’t teach them critical thinking unless the parent is willing to let their bad choice play out.
And children need to understand that sometimes they must do things, like let Mommy work, because if they don’t, there are consequences for all. No work, no money, no treats for anyone. In another example, you don’t get your kid to care for his/her pet in return for something - rather, you work to instill compassion and love for the pet in the child and help them to understand that if the pet becomes ill for lack of care, that that is a shameful thing.
(I’m not advocating using pets as training tools, it’s just an illustration of a dynamic that I have seen at least 5 times in the last few years, kids who “negotiate” things with Mommy and Daddy just shrug their shoulders, or laugh when the bunnies or goats or kittens die. What do they care? They got their payoff - daily responsibility and compassion cannot be negotiated)
Negotiation should be a distant fourth life strategy behind developing a childs sense of responsibility, place within the family, and love for others. less
6 hours ago | Like (8) | Report abuse
Guest Type your comment here.Negotiating with children - are you kidding me. It is not a democracy. Children are expected to what they are told. They have every right to have an opinion - but remember that is all it is an opinion. Until the time that I am dribbling on a bib and stuck in a wheelchair I am ... more
Type your comment here.Negotiating with children - are you kidding me. It is not a democracy. Children are expected to what they are told. They have every right to have an opinion - but remember that is all it is an opinion. Until the time that I am dribbling on a bib and stuck in a wheelchair I am the top of the food chain. I would like to mention that I successfully raised three young men who are very happy in their lives and I do not for one minute think I took anything away from them by not Negotiating. less
7 hours ago | Like (16) | Report abuse
Thibby I was born in 1989, so that extra year gives me the knowledge to know this whole article is garbage for some reason. My mother never negotiated with me. I argue with her? I got a wooden spoon. I can tell you right now, that if the world revolved around me? I wouldn't have gotten such spoonage to my ... more
I was born in 1989, so that extra year gives me the knowledge to know this whole article is garbage for some reason.
My mother never negotiated with me. I argue with her? I got a wooden spoon. I can tell you right now, that if the world revolved around me? I wouldn't have gotten such spoonage to my behind. However, the world doesn't revolve around me, and getting a good thwack to the back proved that quite often until I shaped right up. less
7 hours ago | Like (13) | Report abuse
moiraesfate OMG, so your answer to kids behaving badly is to negotiate with them. Thats idiotic. They're children. There is no negotiation. They're kids. They do what they're told or they get punished. Period. Stop kissing kids butts. You're trying to raise good productive members of society not whiny babies.
7 hours ago | Like (20) | Report abuse
moiraesfate Oh and btw, I'm only 35. I'm sick to death watching the way parents don't parent nowadays, instead they want to be their childs friend, and then we get things like school shootings and bullying.
7 hours ago | Like (10) | Report abuse Load next 25 | View all comments
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Thursday, July 7, 2011
Dependent vs independent children
http://www.thevantagejourney.com/2011/02/independent-vs-dependent-part-1-should-kids-be-pampered/
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